Letters from Crazyville (a mom on the edge)

I'm not perfect

2011-05-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

I 'm not perfect. I have a big mouth, I say shit I should not say. I am to honest and my expectations for people are a little to high.

But here's the thing, there is really not anything that I would not do for someone if asked. I go out of my way to make people happy and to make people like me (also a fault I suppose) I ask very little in return. I ask for honesty no matter what the situation is. If you don't like me that's cool, just say so. If you don't want to be friends with me, cool. Just say so. If my kids totally loves to hang with your kids but you can't stand me. Fine, we don't have to hang, drop your kids off and let the kids play we don't have to sit out back and have cocktails while they play.

There is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to think I am friends with someone than to find out all along it was one sided.

Nothing worse than being good friends (or so thought) with someone for years and to find out that you were not.

Rule of thumb, if someone talks bad about other people to you they probably have no problem talking bad about you to other people also.

2 totally different issues going on, just having a bad week in the friend, or lack there of, arena of my life.

And because I have totally lost all anonymity of my blog I am sure this will give folks yet another reason to decide why I am not cool enough to hang with the cool kids. Funny, you think all of these issues and feelings, pains die in High School but a last they do not.

My own fault for not being able to shake it off. Just not as fabulous as others are I guess.

OK Boitches

2011-05-04T21:37:00.000-04:00

I have been MIA for a few reasons. First, I have been working my tail off building a new business and it has pretty much sucked the life out of me.

Second, my blog has lost the anonymity that made it so much fun to write to start with. Part of the reason I started writing was because I needed a place I could unload and say what I wish I could say to people's faces but can't due to basic human courtesy. It's no fun to write about the shit my kids do or the people in my community who annoy the f out of me when I have to see them the next day in carpool or some other social function.

I am going to need to make a decision about this little space and decided if I am going to close up shop here and go hide someplace else or just close up shop all together.

If I close up shop and move somewhere else I will not announce it here, my guess is a few of my savvy followers will find me rather quickly because they will have a new follower with a vulgar name :-)

My blog Facebook page remains a place I can post things I can't say on my personal page because it is no longer personal now that I am friends with my mom, mother in law, business associates and 100 relatives of my husbands who I would not know if I ran into them on the street.

Sounds like mama has some thinking to do~
Peace out Boitches

Dinosaurs on the Move

2010-08-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

I was recently sent the book Dinosaurs on the Move through the Left to Write Book Club to check out. My boys are want into dinos so they were psyched to check it out. The pictures in the book are really beautiful, they have pictures that are in color and ones that the kids can color in. My boys were a little slow to warm up to the activity because of all the cutting. Once I did one with them, they spent the whole afternoon cutting the dinosaurs out and putting them together with the brads. They then decided to have a dinosaur zoo and made a whole scene with the dinosaurs and the name plates. I really loved that these figures inspired creativity and cooperation between my kids (ages 5 and 7). The figures were pretty easy to put together. I liked that ABC's on the back, it made it easier for my 5 year old who does not read to get his dino together. I bought small brads, I wished I had bigger ones so I could have just hole punched the dinos and they could have put the whole thing together themselves. I must admit, I was just as happy to color, cut and assemble as my kids were. There was something very therapeutic about coloring in the pictures. Guess we really are never to old to color! My 2 year old sat with us and colored also so it ended up being a fun activity for all of us. I am excited to hear how other book club members liked the other book in the series so I can decide if I am going to get the other one. My boys now have all the dinosaurs in a folder and do take them out and play with them. They have held up pretty well considering they are paper. I don't usually buy books like this because I feel like I end up throwing the stuff away. These kind of reminded me of the paper dolls that I had when I was little. They are something that you can end up playing with over and over again.

Poop (don't read unless your ready to know more then you want to)

2010-08-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

I blame this on my kids, all the months they spent laying on all of my internal business has come back to haunt me. Well, them and the fact that I turn 40 in a few months. Tomorrow I go for my first colonoscopy. Katie friggin Couric made it look so damn easy when she put on a damn smile and let the doc scope around like it was a day at the beach. So tonight as I am writing from my remote office (with the window open) The directions for this procedure....fast for 24 hours except for clear liquids (and white wine does not count, I asked) and then drink 2 liters of butt poison at 6 and 9 PM so you spend the entire night praying the potty does not back up. All, I know is that the drugs tomorrow better be good, the results even better and the wine waiting when I get home.

Spam

2010-08-09T14:33:00.000-04:00

My spam box is so full or promise and miracles I had to share them with you. According to June Chatman, she can make my manhood "a major one" which is awesome because last time I checked, I had no manhood.

Once my manhood is major, Marie Erwin is going to help me "be like a stud with her" and then Debra Bowles is going to teach me how to try some "durable love acts". Now that my manhood is a major durable love actin stud, I am going to have to get "an elixir of hot nights" from Ana Benitez so that I can "make my willie stiffy", which according to Denise Aldrich, I need also.

If I ever start to get "down", Ethel Paige has the "best cures for male dysfunction". With all of this up and down, elixir, stiff willy stud love actin, I am going to need to find a way to relax at night. Luckily I am able to find a wide variety of Percocet, Vicodin and Ritilan suppliers like nonope and suppo. Wonder what kind of man I would be if I was able to be all of the things these ladies promise me.........

perhaps

gotta love

Savor

2010-08-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

Tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed, I thought of 100 other things I “needed” to do. I was anxious to get her into her crib and just have some time with no one touching me, asking me for something yelling to have their needs met NOW. I still rock her to bed (no judging!) but tonight I just wanted to put her in to bed and be done. As I walked her into her room and said good night, I heard the familiar “rock me”. I sat in the rocking chair for a hurried rock and into bed with her. Something came over me tonight, I felt a little tugging on the inside that said, slow down. Savor this, before you know it she will not want to be rocked. Hold on, everything else can wait. Rock your baby. So I settled back into the chair and rocked her. I sang to her, savored the smell of her hair and the sweet way she nuzzles into my neck like the space was heaven made for her sweet face. My oldest child is now 7. I don’t remember that last time I rocked him, when I had my last sweet baby kiss or changed his last diaper. That time is gone and I don’t remember. So I find that I hold onto my last baby a little longer. I hold her more, rock her more and don’t feel the rush for each stage to end so things get easier. My days with 3 kids are hectic to say the least, I am counting down the hours until bedtime some nights, wishing for school to start or their dad to get home. I made a comment about it on Facebook yesterday, wishing the summer over and my boy’s back in school. My sister gave me a reality check. My niece who is in her 20’s is moving on, moving, some place not by her mommy, life has swooped her up for an adventure and she is spreading her wings and welcoming the adventure and challenge. I know my sister is happy for her and this is what she has raised and prepared her for but to have one more night to rock that baby would be priceless. Does she clearly remember the last night she let her rock her to bed, the smell of that sweet baby hair? Yes my kids make me crazy and I don’t feel like a get a chance to breath and there is always someone nipping at my heels for something but this time is going to be gone. In a blink, gone. I know it is cliché, we all know they are only little once blah blah blah. When was the last time that you really savored it. Stopped caring if the dishes were done, the beds made or the floors were clean and just savored the moments of your child’s day, their time with you? I have to make myself slow down, really be aware and say, stop, stop cleaning, stop running errands and sit down and play, play LEGOS again, dress the same doll for the 10^th time today because some day there will be no LEGOS to build with and no dolls to dress. I hope you that when you sit down to play with your kids, put them to bed or help them tie their shoes, you will savor that moment. No matter how tired you are, how annoying they may have been an hour ago or how sick and tired you are of the fighting the kids have been doing, make an effort at some point during the day to savor a moment. No matter how small, savor a sweet moment it may be the last time they will need you to tie their shoes, tuck them in or want a kiss goodbye in front of their friends and when that last time is gone, you don’t get it back.

Road Trip....Crazyville Style

2010-07-26T21:32:00.000-04:00

Prologue: Thursday the air blows in my car. Hades took over my city this summer and it has been so hot my dog won’t even go out to pee or bark at the birds. I took my car in that night . It was going to be ready at 1, 2, 3, 6 on Friday then 7:00 Friday night, it will be ready 8:30 Saturday morning (we were going to check into the resort on Saturday) Because Amelia Island Plantation is awesome, they moved us to Sunday check in. Because I was going to have to sleep with one eye open if I told my kids, who have been nagging the crap out of me for weeks about this trip, that we were not leaving until Sunday, we picked up the car and loaded it up to venture to some place between here and there to placate the masses. The car was loaded by 10:30. Quick (not) trip to Target and off we go. On the road by 11:30.

Road Trip Day 1

I have refused to travel more then 4 hours in a car with my children every since I had my second child 5 years ago. Now that I have 3 I have strictly enforced this rule. During an intense laps of sanity and obviously judgement, I agreed to do our yearly beach trip in Florida, at a beach that is 6 ½ hours away. Here is the chronicle of day 1 in the car with my 3 kids, my husband and 2 tons of shit that no one could live with out for a friggin week.

The first 3 hours

15 minutes into the trip

2 are we there yets, 1 I need to poop 3 I’m hungry and 2 new cuss words learned from mommy.

My husbands decides to keep tally on the car window .

10 minutes later we stop at a rest stop. Remember I told you the car was full as shit…I had to pull a beach chair out to let the boys out to go to the bathroom and sat it on top of the car.

45 minutes later we stop for lunch at the Wendy’s at the Wilco is someplace South Carolina. I’m trying not to think about what I have just given my family to eat.

After lunch, I notice several other vans with these cool luggage bags strapped to the tops of their cars. The following is a real conservation between my husband and I

“Why don’t we have one of those?”

“I don’t know, we could have one”

“Would N be less crowed in the back”

“Yes”

“Can we get one?”

“Yes”

‘Now?, we’re passing through Columbia” (Which is an 1 ½ from my house )

15 minutes to locate the Mall. As a side note, the mall in Columbia was very nice. If your every passing through. They have a Coach store, a nice Belk, William Sonoma and a huge Crocs kisok at which I dropped $10 on jibbitz while trying to get myself a Starbucks so I didn’t hurt some over the next 6 hours in the car.

When I get back to the car, my husband asked me where the other beach chair is. Oops..remember the chair I sat on the roof at the rest stop.

New luggage rack all strapped on, another 10 minutes looking for a Walmart to get cold drinks and my husband very sternly gives everyone a last chance pee. 25 minutes later....."I go potty", yes sweet baby girl who has REFUSED to use the potty since June when I almost had her potty trained has decided that now she is ready to use the potty. No peeing in a bottle when you have a girl. Pull over, pull out the handy Potette and off she goes. Oh and of course Heir and Spare have to pee also.

3 hours into our trip and we are and 1 1/2 from home.

We are now at 4 cuss words, 5 are we there yets and a constant barrage of “we go Florida from baby girl”

Time to fire up the DVD player and make tracks. 6:30 PM (when we could have already been to our destination) we decided it's time to call it quits and I find a hotel for the night in Brunswick GA. Lucky for us, there is a Denny's that also doubles as a....wait for it.......Bowling Alley. I could have just taken them home after they ate dinner in the bowling alley AND bowl at the same time. Best vacation ever was the final report.

9:00 babies all sleeping. Tally for the day 15 are we there yets 5 cuss words and 4 stops to pee

Day 2

Up and out the door by 8 to find a Starbucks before mommy is hauled off in a white jacket. Where is the Starbucks in Brunswick GA? Target of course. Inside said Target, we meet Lynn who sends us to eat at her cousin Melissa's restaurant in St Simon for breakfast. Off we go for a "great southern buffet"

Full bellies and semi cranky over tired children in car AGAIN and 1 1/2 hours to our final destination. 3 kids sleeping within 45 minutes and we pass this sign...

I must have a picture

and of this one also

which of course woke all 3 kids up. Remember the last road trip my husband and I went on? They never disappoint

11:00 AM finally....destination reached.

Tally for 2 day trip that should have taken 1 day

30 are we there yet, 7 cuss words (all mine) and 7 stops to pee. Settled in at the beach, great ocean view and rum is chilled.....see you in a week with the ride home

Day 1 of Build a Better Blog

2010-07-19T15:41:00.000-04:00

My Blog life has been suckin to say the least. I can't find time to write, I hate my blog design and every time I look at it I want to cry because I am so puter tarded I have no idea how to fix it. My blog is so uninspiring looking that I think I am hiding from it not to mention I feel so bummed about my lack of time to read other bolgs that I have pretty much thrown in the white blog flag and left my blog to die alongside all the other poor neglected blogs.....in a final attempt to save my blogs life, I am going to take the 31 day Build a Better Blog challenge. You can hook up over at SITS and play along. Today is day 1 and of course I am already tardy to the pardy but here is day 1 post 1....Write an elevator pitch for your blog

New Tag Line: Let's go Crazy (OK Prince said it first but it works for me)

Short Elevator Pitch: Letters from Crazyville is a place where readers can go and have an escape from the craziness of their days. A place where they can find an imperfect mom celebrating her imperfections and the extended amounts of therapy she will be paying for (for herself and children).

So here's to day 1. In my Aunt's very wise text she sent me, today is July 19, 2010. It is the only July 19, 2010 you will ever get, do something great with it.

Thanks to all of you who have hung in there with me. Hopefully after these 31 days, I will find renewed passion for my blog

xo

Boxtops

2010-07-17T07:43:00.000-04:00

I love my kiddos (usually) but sometimes I have to use a great deal of self control to not look at them and yell DUH!!! This little wave of poor parenting over took me last night when we were on our way home from a birthday party. The kids had been give these erasers that until last night I had managed to keep out of my house. These erasers look like different items and some apart like a puzzle (read a million little pieces for me to step on, keep out of baby girls mouth and have to find for a screaming crying child when he can't find one of the damm pieces).

My son picked a soccer ball

and these balls come apart.....into 4 pieces......

As we are driving home my 5 year old begins to ask me 50 questions about box tops......here is what I think he is talking about

because he is asking the following questions.....

How do they get the box tops on there

Where do they put the box tops

What happens to the stuff in the box

Why do they do that

and it goes on and on for 10 minutes, I am questioned like a damm box top thief about these friggin things. Finally he says...well how do they make em green.....hey babe their not green....yes mine is see.....(he holds up the soccer ball).....Um child, that's not a box top, it's an ERASER.....Oh.....

I managed to refrain from slamming my head into the window and thus forcing me to convalesce in a hospital with my eyes bandaged so I don't have to look at this crazy parallel universe I live in.

To make matters worse, he drops one of the 29 pieces of this stupid thing and then begins to cry about his BOX TOP! Help me Jesus....I know I'm a Jew but I need reinforcements at this point in my life.

Guess should be used to it, this is the kid who licks his shoes.......

Come see me if your in Charlotte

2010-07-17T07:15:00.000-04:00

I will be the hostess with the mostest at Carolina Place Mall from 3-4 this afternoon. Yoplit has asked me to come and tell you all about their YUMMY Yoplit Fiber One yogurt. If you can't come when I will be there (loser) you can come and get your yogurt in July 17 from 10 am-9 pm or 18 from 12 pm- 6 pm. There will be a tasting, games and coupons

Hey this stuff is yummy and only 50 calories and 5 grames of fiber so ditch the gym and come have a snack.

See you soon!
*I have been paid by Yoplait to attend this event (ya know the FCC stuff)

I have found my domestic goddess

2010-07-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

A fancy publisher in fancy San Francisco asked me to read a review a book~the anti-Martha book. Now I love Martha as much as the next woman but she makes me feel, well, like a domestic loser. No matter how hard I try I cannot make a perfect pie crust (mainly because I'm to friggin lazy), I can't make jam, jelly, grow herbs, make a perfect sour dough bread or fold a fitted sheet. When I was asked to read "Life's Too Short To Fold Fitted Sheets", I almost flew to San Fran myself to hug, kiss and serve a store bought cake (that I put on my own cake stand and took credit for making) to the author, Lisa Quinn. The book came this week, I tore into the package (and threw the paper in the trash because I forgot to recycle it) and opened it up, found these words of wisdom " Change what you can/accept what you can't (or decorate around the ugly stuff)". Not even the Dali Lama himself has uttered words so wise. I invite you to read along with me. When you run out tonight to get a package of something to open for dinner (besides your wine), stop by the bookstore and get a copy of "Life's Too Short To Fold Fitted Sheets" and learn to embrace your half-assedness like me! I will be posting after each chapter so read along, I don't want to be a slack-ass mom by myself! Up first The Lackadaiscial Lifestyle (as if there is any other lifestyle)

If you are a real Martha and can actually make a pie crust and the pie pan to serve it in, you can read "Women, Food and G-d" which I am reading and posting about on the amazing Mom Renewal Project.

Leave me a comment over there and let me know if you are going to read along so I can watch for you over at Mom Renewal Project. My first post is up over there so check it out and let me know what you think!

My Boy's and Neanderthals a case study

2010-07-09T21:44:00.000-04:00

As I watched my boys play in our yard tonight, it suddenly dawned on me that evolution was alive and well and not so evolved in my own little corner of the world. My boys are just North of our ancient ancestors.

Exhibit A: They are physically unable to refrain touching, poking or smelling any bug they come across. It does not matter how big, small, dead or alive it is. They must investigate it..

Exhibit B: They collect every piece of shit they come across. Like they are preparing for an impending raid from the neighboring cavemen, they have horded enough shit off the ground to build a ball of rubber bands the size of a soccer ball, enough rocks to stone any dinosaur to death and countless other random items that they could use to barter their way out a cave jail

Exhibit C: They are totally unable to not fall on the floor at any given minute into a full fledged wrestling match that always ends up with some one getting their head slammed into the floor.

Science says we have evolved, one hour in my backyard will prove them wrong

An affair to remember (how to do the dishes)

2010-06-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Boys (yes even the big boy)

Here is today's instruction manual. Dishes and the dish washer.

Like the laundry room, the dish washer is not locked. The only time you cannot open it is when it is running (more on that later) you can feel free to put your dirty dishes inside. Glasses go on top, plates bowls etc on the bottom. There is a little basket for the silver ware, you can put your forks, knives and spoons in there.

When you go to dump out the glass of milk that you didn't drink and ~~whined~~ asked for, please pour it into the sink, not on the pans that are in the sink or into another cup in the sink.

You can place your spoon and bowl into the sink, you do not need to throw them in order to spray dirty water and old milk across the kitchen.

Please feel free to clear your plates when you are done eating Unless you are going to start leaving a tip on the table do it yourself. My names not Flo.

Now a few special instructions for the big boy.

Please note when you say "I am going to clean the kitchen" I expect to see a clean kitchen. You equate clean kitchen with loading the dishes in the dishwasher. That would be "I am going to load the dishwasher"

Here is your checklist for "I am going to clean the kitchen"

Load the dishwasher
Clean the pots and pans, magic happens when that sponge touches the pans, trust me, it is not to be missed
Wash out the sink
Sweep and use a wet Swiffer when the spots are big enough to notice
Clean the counters, table, stove top and any other place you see sticky hand prints

" I am going to load the dishwasher" would be just that dishes into the dishwasher

Tomorrow boys we tackle potties, the good, the bad and the fact that there are 2 seats!

Directions

2010-06-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Boys (including the big boy)

I am sorry I did not provide you with an instruction manual for operating the following

Laundry

Dish Washers

Potties

Doors

I feel like I have had given you instructions several times for these but I understand that boys develop slower then girls so in the interest of science, I repeat myself (again). Over the next few days I will provide you with operating directions to the items in our home that seem to puzzle you the most.

Laundry

The clothes that lay on bathroom and bedroom floors do not get washed. Unless you are planning on hand washing them in the bath tub that you throw them by.

The door is not locked. You can open the laundry room door to put your clothes inside. The door operates just like the door to your bedroom.

The laundry basket is divided into 2 sides. Lights and darks. Please place light items in the LIGHT side and colored into the DARK side.

If you project some type of bodily fluid onto your laundry, please inform me so I can treat it accordingly. I do not appreciate mystery smells while washing your clothes.

If you run out of underwear please check the stack of laundry that has been sitting on your dresser for 2 weeks.

Please remove all items from your clothes, gum, pens, rocks, stickers and notes home from school do not fair so well in the washer and dryer.

Your clothes will be returned to you in place them in the laundry. If pants are inside out with underwear still attached, this is how they will be washed and returned.

I hope that this clears up any confusion about laundry practices in our house.

Tomorrow we will learn how to operate the dish washer and the magic things that can happen when a sponge hits a pan!

An open letter to Starbucks

2010-06-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Starbucks,

I know there is a lot of buzz about your perceived world domination to fulfill the caffeine needs of bleary eyed caffeine addicts around the world. You are accused of being to commercial and financial experts have based our $20 a week Starbucks habits as the root of our financial downfall.

I feel very differently. I have a deep affection for you. You are an intricate part of my children's lives. It is because of you that I am able to function as the mom I am. Your support has been invaluable. Who else is open at 6 am to greet me for the 10 minutes I have away from children today? You are the ones who sensing my son's need to nap in the car delivered a drive thru to my neighborhood like manna from heaven. I have made countless trips through that drive thru with my children sleeping through the years.

You never judged me when I still ordered a Venti latte 9 months pregnant.

You deliver my children cookies and chocolate milk which allow me to get my grocery shopping done.

If all of this was not enough, you sensing something was missing in my Starbucks circle of life, you opened in Target. It was the perfect marriage. Strolling the aisle looking at row after row of stuff I don't need but have to have while sipping a latte is mommy Nirvana. You are the best $4 I spend on any given day.

You and you alone are keeping me off of Xanax.

With much love,

Your every loyal Venti 2 Splenda skinny vanilla latte mom with 3 screaming (or sleeping) kids in the car in their pajamas, swim suits or underware

Crazed Mama

True Colors

2010-06-13T21:33:00.000-04:00

I have been in a state of transition. My life and work focus have totally shifted. I have been spending many many hours a week getting my Macaroni Kid site set up, lining up ads and networking to get the best product I can out there. I have also been asked to write for Deep South Moms which I feel very privileged to do. I have not been able to pay as much attention to my blog and I thank those of you who have not only hung in there with me but those of you who have followed with my shitty post track record over the last few months.

As I have made this major shift in my life, I have also gained some much needed clarity. Let me rewind.....

I am a pleaser, to the point that I think for many years I have sacrificed my own beliefs, needs and desires to make and hold onto friendships that I felt I really needed. Really, it is just my need to belong. I have not been able to be that person lately because I am so busy writing, I really have no time for much once I attend to the royal family and all their demands.

I have always tried to be a cheerleader for my friends. I really feel like that is our job, to cheer each other on and to find a way to support and celebrate. Sometimes it's not easy, we are all busy with children, families and the demands of daily life. This is where I have found that the true nature of a friend shows it's self. How you handle your friends success and failures despite how busy your life gets. It's the little things that really let a friend know that you care. When you call to follow up on something important you know they have going on, an event, a doctor's appt, something going on with their family or something with work.

I have suffered some disappointments over the past few months. Places that I expected to find this support and celebration were not there. I have been surprised, places I did not expect to find the support and celebration have been a overwhelming. I have struggled with not being hurt by the disappointment and trying to focus on the positive. Over the past couple of days I am finally feeling like I have gotten to this place.

I have had a very trying few months and an unbearable amount of personal stress that has left me in tears many days. Some of the people I expected to be there for me were not. I was hurt, now I just feel relieved. For me, it is a better place to be when I know where I stand with people. I truly would rather someone tell me that they just don't like me then to pretend to like me or ignore my phone calls or emails and have some lame ass excuse as to why they don't respond. Friendship is work, it requires you to look outside of your own needs and meet the needs of another. It's like a marriage in a lot of ways. It's the small things you do that show your true colors.

Now that I have reached the end of the drama that has unfolded in my personal life these last few months, I am pleased to know where I stand with people, even if they didn't have the courage to let me know themselves. It feels great to release and be able to move on.

I will now return to my regularly scheduled bitchfest blogging that you expect from me and leave this soft hearted posting behind me.

Back on the horse and some tips for a great Summer

2010-06-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

Today was the last day of school and I am hoping to get my groove back. Now that I can ~~park my kids in~~ ~~front of the TV and the Wii for hours on end~~ spend my days creating lasting memories while baking and making endless crafts with my children I want to share my tips for Summer fashion with you.

1. If you have to pull it down when you walk, it's too short
2. If it wiggles or has dimples cover it
3. White shoes never look good no matter who made them (I'm talking to you Jimmy Choo)
4. Wax. I know it hurts but the shaving does not do the trick. Do us all a favor and wax
5. Just because the swim suit is black that doesn't mean it makes YOU look skinny

I hope these will get you off to a smooth start. As always, if in doubt, throw it out.

xo

If you live in Charlotte come to my PARTY~

2010-06-04T20:24:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I have a post coming about the crazy thing my mom did to me today but first!

The Motherhood and Hebrew National contacted yours truly and asked if I wanted to host a party with 3 other cool mommy bloggers and support an amazing charity. No brainer! So I am please to announce this amazing event in Charlotte! If you are in Charlotte come see me! I The following information was taken from The Motherhood's website to detail the events for you! Check out Birthday Blessings! You are going to love what they do and want to support them!

Join us in Charlotte!!!!! The Hebrew National Better-Than-A-Picnic Picnic in Charlotte, NC is June 13th!

Please join our rocking, fabulous blogger hosts:

Brittany, Mommy Words http://www.mommywords.com

Maricris Zen Mama Ventures http://zenforyou.dalefg.net

Julie Mommie Cooks http://www.mommiecooks.com

Rebecca Letters from Crazyville http://www.lettersfromcrazyville.blogspot.com

Date: June 13th, 11:30 am - 3:30 pm

Location: Freedom Park

Who: You can bring kids, family, friends -- many other local bloggers and their kids will be there too!

What: Fun, Hebrew National hotdogs, friends, a service project (details below)

There will be LOTS to do and enjoy -- music, giant puzzles, a mechanical bull and other activities for kids and families, too!

Service project:

Our Charlotte project will focus on an amazing organization, Birthday Blessingshttp://www.birthdayblessings.org which provides birthday presents and birthday parties for homeless children.

We ask that guests bring donations of new unwrapped gifts and party supplies. The greatest need is for teens and tweens.

We will assemble birthday kits and make birthday cards for children to go along with the gifts.

ABOUT (from http://www.birthdayblessings.org): Birthday Blessings was founded in 2005 by Amy and John Cervantes of Charlotte, North Carolina. Their family service project was born from a desire to raise their children with a love and commitment for giving to others in need. What began as a monthly birthday party at one homeless shelter in 2005, has now grown into a thriving non-profit that operates three programs serving homeless children and families across multiple counties in the greater Charlotte region.

The goal of Birthday Blessings is to bring joy, recognition, and support to needy children and families during difficult and sad times in their lives. Our three core programs raise spirits and boost confidence for homeless children ages tots to teens, and offer help and hope to homeless parents and their babies.

Every year, Birthday Blessings makes a positive impact in the lives of thousands of needy youth and families across our greater Charlotte community. As an all-volunteer organization, our dedicated "staff" of volunteers are truly the heart of all that we do.

We hope to see you there!

**I am being compensated for attending and promoting this event

I'm so bitchin'

2010-05-29T14:06:00.000-04:00

I was asked to write a post for www.newparent.com

Carzy people wanted to hear what I have to say about raising kids, which is funny as crap if you have been reading my blog. I have no control here. But what the hell! I did it any way so go check it out.
xoxo

http://www.newparent.com/baby/parenting-101-featured/the-terrible-threes/

Where do I belong?

2010-05-22T14:53:00.002-04:00

I had a really interesting interaction yesterday that left me a little baffled. I am still not sure if I should be offend or not.

As I am dragging my boys into the bookstore looking like the are fresh from dirty clothes pile after school, I run into a mom I know and like, she is really lovely. She asked me what we were doing, I explained we were just grabbing some books, the boys were off to camp this weekend. The conservation goes on as follows (my responses are in red)

" Where are they going camping"

"Blank Camp up near Blankville NC"

"Are you going?"

"No, I'm not much of a camper"

(Shocked) "Really? You look like a camper to me"

Really, I look like a camper?? WTF does that mean?

Now I was not looking my finest yesterday when I ran into her with her cutie little figure and big LV bag. I was really unsure how to take that comment. I was confused because I am sure she did not mean it in a rude way (I think) but I was offended. As hard as I tried to not be offended I was.

Maybe she mean I look like a camper in a Daisy Duke sorta way?

A tree hugger way

or in a " I am woman hear me roar" kinda way

googleimages

Perception is really interesting. It really got me thinking about how we view ourselves vs how others view us. I would never have thought I give off a camping vibe, but I guess to some I do. I called a girlfriend about it because I was still trying to process if I was offended. As any good friend would do, she assured me it is because I look so fit and healthy (which is total crap but that is why she's my friend)

As we talked more she shared with me her perception of me before she knew me. She said she thought I was well put together, well to do and a little intimidating.

How crazy is that! Also a vibe I would never have thought I put out and completely opposite of my camping vibe.

How do I see myself? What vibe do I think I put out? Not either of those. It's like when you think you look one way and you see a picture of yourself and you think..really I look like that? That's not how I think I look.

I wonder how many of my perceptions about other people that I know are incorrect? Maybe some are right. Maybe I lay really do lie some place in between camping chick and Bloomies girl

maybe I am

Zsa Zsa Gabor, a city girl trapped in the country.

Daily dose of judgement

2010-05-21T20:57:00.001-04:00

brought to you by your family friendly blogger....ME!

First to all my new followers, thank you I love you and your check is in the mail. To all my followers who have been with me, thank you for not breaking up with me. I have had some nasty computer issues. It really means a lot that you didn't walk out on me like Levi did Bristol. I would make a really crappy poster child for abstainance.

Now that I am back on the horse, what better way then for me to pass judgement on other's.

I enjoy my adult beverages as much as the next momma. I also understand that some day's the hour of the first pour cannot come soon enough. This afternoon, I think the hour came too soon for some.

For future reference....the bus stop is too early. While my kiddos make me crazy, I am relatively calm while they are at school and do not feel my overwhelming urge to devour a bottle of wine like a box of cookies until 5:30 (5 is someone has been home sick).

Today, I passed 2 yes 2 mommas sitting in their chairs at the bus stop each with a beer. It was 3:15. At least try and hide the beer in a Diet Coke can.

As many of you know, I generally try to not judge other moms. I feel very strongly that we all play on the same team and should support each other. I also enjoy a cold beer at 3:15, in the summer when we are at the beach and my husband can help parent.

So today I pass judgement....do not drink beer at the bus stop at 3:15 it just screams "my kids will be watching TV all night because I will be passed out by 7"

Tonight, I declare my blog a judgement zone.....go ahead....judge away....get it off your chest...then have a beer

10 Things I hate about you

2010-05-13T14:29:00.001-04:00

You know who you are....you take away the few precious seconds I have to run into the market, you made me lose my prime parking spot and you made me miss the light.

10. You are so busy texting you don't notice the light has changed until 2 seconds before it turns yellow

9. You are trying to reach over into the passenger seat to do Lord knows what and swerve into my lane

8. No matter how much mascara and lipstick you put on, a pig is still a pig, so just drive the car

7. You block the parking lot waiting for some chick to load 80 bags of groceries into her car because your to lazy to walk

6.You don't seem to understand that the lines are to park in between, not on or over.

5.You park so friggin close to me I need liposuction to get into my car

4. You pull up next to your buddy and chat. Blocking the road, carpool or the parking lot

3. Your so busy handing out snacks, yelling at your kids or trying to keep your baby awake so she'll nap at home that you drive like a fool (Oh wait that's me, scratch that one)

2. You take up 8 spots because your car was made in Germany

1. STOP backing into to spots! It takes longer to back into a spot then it would take you to back out. You make me growly all you backerinners.

Please take this time to adjust your driving to accommodate me K!

Thanks Love Ya!

I am a junkie

2010-05-10T06:05:00.001-04:00

for reality TV. I must admit I am a bit of a junkie and will watch just about any shit I can find on TV that gives me a peak into the lives of other people.

The real TV crack for me.....

I cannot stop watching these chicks. Secretly I wish I could be in their club. I can get some big hair. I used to get some good height back in the day with my Aqua Net and Clicker. (for those of you who were born in the 80's here's your visual aid)

Their lives are so surreal and yet unbelievably filled with the same daily struggles I have. Child care, house chores, cooking, attending to my husbands every whim, friends, shopping and making really difficult decisions like where to lunch and which pair of Jimmy Choo's I should wear to the gala at my sister in laws who's husband is not a made man's house on Sunday.

For those of you who don't watch

What's wrong with you????

If you need a summary of last season here is what you need to know: Danielle was a druggie stripper who was arrested and her ex wrote a book all about it. The other ladies got wind of it and well, they did what any good friend would do. They told everyone they know and had a good laugh about it behind her back. Which ended in a pregnant Teresa throwing a table over in the middle of dinner while screaming at Danielle.

This season just started and is going to be another season filled with high drama, the kind that will win these ladies an Emmy for sure. How can it miss when in the first show of season 2, the ever eloquent Teresa describes her nemesis Danielle the following way " She puts the cont in contradiction, BIATCH " Now that is quality TV.

I love you girls, I don't care what anyone else says. You are classy with a capital C. See ya Tuesday ladies with a big class of Arbor Mist.

On this Mother's Day, I want you to

2010-05-09T04:29:00.002-04:00

think about another mama I just found out about yesterday. Usually my blog is filled with all the piss and vinegar I can muster but today I take a serious tone.

The blogging community is a strange place, we don't KNOW each other but we all know each other and start to care about other people's stories.

I want to share the story of a fellow blogger, Momma's Pixie Dreams. She is the mother to 3 beautiful girls, her youngest at the tender age of 16 months was diagnosed this week with neuroblastoma.

Her sweet baby is about to undergo a nightmare, something no family should have to go through.

So on this Mother's Day, hug your babies a little tighter, and find a way to support this mama and her family. You can do something as simple as visit her blog, become a follower and tell her you are thinking of her or you can make a donation (info to come).

Please visit Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality for more information and Momma's Pixie Dreams to share your support and love. Really at the end of the day, we are all parents and when another child hurts it is as painful as if it is our own. What a wonderful opportunity you have to step outside of yourself and support another mommy.

Happy Mother's Day
xoxo

Love it when someone else does the cooking!

2010-05-08T16:24:00.001-04:00

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Freschetta. All opinions are 100% mine.

Freschetta FlatBread

A couple of weeks ago, I was contacted with the following email

Would you like us to send you some coupons for Freschetta's new Flatbread Pizzas so you can try them out and let your readers know what you think.

Ummmm OK! My family eats a lot of pizza (hangs head in shame) it is fast, everyone will eat it, I make a salad with it and I have dinner ready fast. Which is a major issue here with 2 boy's playing on 2 different baseball teams.

My family tried 2 different pizzas. We had the Freschetta Flatbread Zesty Italian and the Roasted Garlic and Spinach. I don't eat much meat so I am always happy to find a yummy vegetarian pizza. The pizza's looked good right out of the box, there were plenty of toppings, the best part, they cooked in 7 minutes! Love that!

My kids and husband liked the Italian, my son had never had salami on a pizza and was a big fan. The garlic and spinach was yummy, and the crust was nice and crisp.

With a salad, these made a good fast meal for our family that I felt good about serving.

Give em a try! Dinner in 7 minutes is a mama's dream!

They have 4 varieties and you can get a $1 off coupon right here

I will be in the Parenting Hall of Fame

2010-05-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

Baby girl is really buggin the fudge outta me to get her clothes for baby dolls. I refuse to spend $10 on a doll outfit at Target, I can get myself clothes at Target for less then that.

Today I devise the perfect plan...a $5 Barbie and 2 outfits still less then 1 doll outfit. Brilliant. I pat myself on the back the whole way home,

Middle boy immediately takes to playing with the Barbie which I am cool with. He goes to take off her swimsuit to put on her dress. I say "leave it on, it can be like her underclothes"

Middle boy's response "Yay and this can cover her big nipples like yours does"

Now I am not feeling so brilliant because I have now bought my boy's their first sex toy. Why why why did I not think this through....2 boy's, doll with huge boobs and correct anatomy.
Barbie is going back. I am spending the damm $10 on doll clothes.

Really this parenting thing requires you to really think about things in a whole different way.....

CSI Crazyville

2010-05-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

I have always thought baby girl was a little to good to be true. She was a sweet baby, an easy going toddler (usually) and now to her list of attributes I can add criminal mastermind. She poisoned one of her dolls (and almost herself but more on that later)

I left baby girl to her own devices while I went upstairs to do the laundry. It was quiet downstairs......too quiet. When I got down stairs I found that she had attempted to drown one of her dolls in the dog's water bowl and poison her with a box of Arm and Hammer Carpet Care. She claimed she was just "give her bafh".

I discovered that while she was "give her bafh", she also decided to eat the dog food and suck on a wash rag dipped in the dog water carpet cleaner bowl of poison.

You will be happy to know poison control said Arm and Hammer Carpet Cleaner is not poisonous

Here are the crime scene photo's

Fire Brimstone and Walmart

2010-04-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer...I am going to say somethings about someone's personal religious beliefs. If you are in anyway sensitive or will be offended about this topic do not read on. I respect the fact that everyone has their own faith and I generally do not feel compelled to share my own opinion on this topic but today was to crazy not to.

Earlier this week I was contacted my a casting agent through my Macaroni Kid site about shooting a Walmart commercial in my town. After I checked her out and made sure she wasn't some crazy female serial killer, I agreed to audition and took along some of my friends to also try out. After we wait around for an hour and 2 of my friends bail on me because of sleepy kiddos, the casting director finally meets with us.

Lovely Hollywood lady who's first words to me are " I have a 7 year old and a 2 month and I'm nursing, my boobs are killing me" as she is grabbing her boobs.....Ummm, nice to meet you??

I get my 5 minutes of fame, she takes my pictures ~~grills me~~ and asks me a million questions about why I shop at Walmart (which I had to friggin make up cuzzzz I'm a Target girl)

I have time before I have to get baby girl, need snack for boy 1's class for tomorrow so I run into Walmart to get it. That store is a black hole. After I filled my cart with ~~a bunch of shit I didn't need~~ everything I had been looking for, I go to get in line

DISCLAIMER #2!!! I am getting ready to be potentially offensive to someone who may be of strong religious beliefs last chance to turn back......

OK Don't say I didn't warn you

I get in line as the cashier rings me up the following conservation takes place for brevity I will call her Joan

Joan "Good Morning, are you having a good day"
Me "Yes, are you"
Me" I think any day you get is a good day"
Joan" I don't know I sometimes think what's waiting for me is better"
(me to myself who never listens to me, shut up shut up just smile just smile)
Joan" I know people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that but I can't wait to get to heaven"
Me "Heaven?"
Joan "Yes aren't you looking forward to hevan"
Me " Well, I think everyone has to decide what works for them and believe what they feel is right, in the end we really don't know who's belief's will be right so we just have to respect each person's choices"
(me to self AGAIN shut up get your shit and leave, she is the slowest ringer EVER)
Joan " Well everyone belives in heaven"
Me "Well, I'm Jewish and we believe that you live your best life here on earth and not for what may come in the afterlife"
(Here it come's you have one more chance to stop reading)

Joan " OH!, my daughter is a Messianic Jew "
Me "oh"
Joan " you know I have learned so much about Jewish people, like now I know that Jew's do believe in G-d and that they believe Jesus was a prophet who will rise again"
Me" Well actually Jews for Jesus are not Jews, they are Christians who have adopted Jewish traditions and holiday's but actual Jews do not believe in Jesus, we don't believe that Jesus will rise again"
Joan" You don't?? Well then who do you believe the Messiah is?"
Me "Well no one knows, there are some clues about the Messiah in the Torah but we don't have someone already picked out"
Joan(looking at me preplexed) "So you don't believe Jesus is G-d or that he will rise again?"
Me "No, that is one of the way's that Jews and Christians are different and why if you are a Jew for Jesus you are really a Christian who celebrates Jewish holiday's and adopted Jewish customs but you are not Jewish"
Joan" Well the what do you call him? Rabbi at their church is Jewish and was born Jewish"
Me " Well he may have been born Jewish but if he believes Jesus is the Messiah, he is Christian"
Joan" Oh, well, I hope you have a good day"
Me "Thanks you too"

As I turn to leave the store, I see that the woman behind me in line and her little girl are staring at me, I smile and see that the little girl has a huge paper cross around her neck with Jesus in huge letters. I get my crap and high tail it out of there.....

And to top my damm day off, the casting agent sends me an email tonight to tell me they have scrapped the project.

A picture really is

2010-04-26T05:00:00.000-04:00

worth a thousand words

Being 2 ROCKS! "I'm AWESOME"

Sunday's Dirty Laundry

2010-04-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

While my husband and I were out of town for Cara Mama's wedding (you remember where I got my new set of wine glasses) my mom took it upon herself to potty train baby girl. So what's my problem with that? She was not even 2 yet and I thought I had a good year before I had to give up the diapers....that's right you heard me I wanted her to stay in diapers.

My dirty laundry...I hate potty training so much I would rather change diapers then deal with it. It's even worse then the boy's with a girl. At least I could let the boy's pee where ever we were. "Mom gotta pee" pull over open the door and pee out the side of the van. A proud family tradition that we carry on today.

Now with a girl I have to actually carry potty equipment. I hate to carry equipment, I'm that mom who hits you up for a diaper and wipes at the bookstore

The equipment started with potty seat covers..can't let her sit on a public can I (reason 1 potty training girl's sucks). One fateful encounter with an automatic flush toilet (FU whoever invented this you have totally ruined my life) and she REFUSES to use a public potty. I mean kicking screaming arms flapping wild eyed refusal to even walk in the door. I then had to buy more equipment

The Potette...while it is a brilliant idea. I am now either dragging the damm thing around with me or running to the car

At baseball last week, of course at the back field, "Mommy, I need go pee pee" What does mom of the year say Come on my 2 year little peanut of a child let me teach you to pee in the woods, you can squat can't you...this idea did not go over well and I think the other mom's were dialing the cops. Off we run to the car which is 2 ball fields away so she can sit her happy bootie on her Potette.

So now, I, the mom who hates equipment now has to drag the Potette, bags, extra pull ups, change of clothes and my sanity every where I go.

She wants to wear panties. I want to cry. This must be the start of the payback my mother is going to inflict on me through my own child

Backpack Inventory

2010-04-24T09:00:00.002-04:00

With the boy's out of town, I am finding a lot of extra time on my hands. Baby Girl play's by herself and really can't be bothered with me today. I went into the boy's backpacks to pull out what came home on Friday and when I dug a little deeper I find the following items

The blue backpack contained
a tennis ball
2 paperclips
National Geographic
several rubber bands
rocks

The red backpack contained
6 quarters
rubberbands
rocks (big rocks)
2 books
an action figure
2 pencils

Kids are such hoarders....I wonder if they are going to notice I cleaned their backpacks out or if they are just going to refill them with more crap

Friday Night Leftover's

2010-04-23T20:45:00.001-04:00

Make sure you check out Sippy Cups and check out the leftovers!

Here I am with just one leftover for the week, the one I have been waiting for all week.

My boy's are gone for the weekend off camping with their dad and friends. I am home for the weekend with my baby girl (who is not such a baby anymore but I can't come up with a nickname yet that full encompasses her personality)

I am glad that my boy's are off to bond but have the following fears

Bears eating one of my kids

Snakes

Spiders

One of my kids falling into the lake

One of my kids wondering off in the middle of the night while the dads are engrossed in poker and drinking beer

Jason

It raining and they come home early

In anticipation of the trip, my mom only let baby girl take a 1 hour nap (for some reason when Bubbe babysits naps last an hour, when I put her down, she naps for 2-3 hours hmmmmm) so at 6:30 sassy pants was off to bed with her cranky self

The good news is, I can be completely undisturbed for the big T-box taste test tonight hosted my Rebekah, Kate and Lydia....can't wait!

I hope you all have a good weekend, I have a a fun post planned for Sunday.

Diva Drama

2010-04-19T05:00:00.001-04:00

My Darling Baby Girl,

At the tender age of 2 your need for controls over your wardrobe is well, ~~annoying~~ cute(ish) to say the least. I am a fan of expressing your individuality, that is why both of your brothers look like they belong in a 70's cover band. But when expressing your own sense of style comes at the expense of my (fragile) sanity and disruption to our fragile morning schedule, I have to step in and put a stop to things. Yesterday when I left you in the capable hands of your Bubbe who has raised 3 very stylish children of her own, the fit you threw over the dress I picked out was monumental.

I am a little unsettled by this diva behavior from you. You are my only girl. My youngest. I have 2 boy's, I have been inundated with trucks, baseball jersey's, tennis shoes and all things smelly boy. You are my only girl. You are my tutu, princess crown, pretty dress with tights and matching panties dream of all things girlie. You are only 2, your not suppose to care about what you wear yet. For the love of things pink and foofy Baby Girl let me put you in a damm tutu or a dress!

With Love,
Please Please wear the dress
Mommy

Sandbox Rules

2010-04-18T07:00:00.005-04:00

Don't you think being a mommy would be easier if we all had to play by the same rules our kids had to play by in the sand box. I know this is a topic I have touched on before but I feel compelled say something again,. Here are the basic rules I think we should all play by

Share

If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything (to anyone)

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Play nice with your fellow mommy

I am always baffled at how grown women can revert back to their ugliest most insecure High School girlness.

I have a really hard time not calling people out on this type of behavior. I have made many a momenemy because I don't follow some of my own sand box rules, mainly the if you don't have anything nice to say one. I can't not say anything. I have a really hard time not calling people out on their bull shit . I have been trying to curb this behavior. I know that I have a very strong personality and you either like me or you don't. I do try to be more likable but find it hard not to speak my mind.
Guess I could take my own advice and try and play nicer in the sand box of mommyhood.

Blogfession

2010-04-14T14:05:00.000-04:00

I have been totally paralyzed with writers block. I have had a couple of really unfriendly comments posted regarding my writing and recently lost a follower which upset me more then it really should have. I have just been unable to write. While my kids are still funny as crap and they are making me crazy as usual, it has not come to me in words to post.

Yesterday I read a post by Theta Mom that gave me the prospective that I needed. I have stopped writing for me. I have lost my blog voice, I gave up what I wanted to say in order to gain followers, fans and give away's. I have spent more time using my blog to get people to like me and follow me and less time writing what I wanted to be saying.

I am reclaiming my voice. I cannot let my blog be a source of stress for me, I can't freak out about posting everyday so I don't lose people, make my self crazy trying to follow back and comment on every blog.

I really do love reading all the blogs I follow, I think you ladies are funny and witty and I hope you won't leave me because I don't write everyday or I don't do meme's or I am a crappy comment buddy. I just want my blog to go back to being the fun it was for me.

That's all the serious I have in me for today, I am off to N's school for him birthday and to meet his new "friend" who he has informed me has a "hard crush on him"
Really, why I am dealing with girl drama already with my 5 year old boy???

See you soon back and better then before
xoxo
Crazed Mama

Sunday....I'm back! Miss Me???

2010-04-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

I am back from a much needed break from my crazy house....Spring Break ends tomorrow....I drank more Margarita's in the last week then I have in 15 years. All in all, I would say I am primed to make it through this week with few bumps.
Alas, it is Sunday, my day to bare it and share it. This week. I come clean about a little hidden neuroses I have.

Cleancompare

I am not a great house keeper by any stretch. I am not dirty but I lack some serious organizational skills. I also hate to clean, I find it to be so frustrating to spend hours on end cleaning and within 5 minutes of my kids entering the house, it looks like I haven't cleaned in weeks.

I feel like everyone I know has a cleaner house then I do. I cleancompare. I am sure that all of my friends maintain perfectly clean houses with not a drop of dirt on the floors and I can barely clean up from breakfast.

I find it so hard to keep on top of every little nook that needs to be cleaned. I have had a house keeper which has helped some, I just wish she could come every day.

I panic when my friends drop by that they will notice every little imperfection of my cleaning abilities.

~sigh~ I am sure most people do not notice the arrant dog hair that I missed on the floor or the toothpaste that did not get cleaned up from the morning but I can't seem to let it go and not cleancompare.

Wanna play along?
link up and share your dirty laundry today

Baby Bootie and a freebie for you

2010-04-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Boudreaux's Butt Paste. All opinions are 100% mine.

Baby Girl show's all her ill's on her bottom. Girl's bottom care has been so different for me then my boy's were. She is so much more sensitive then they were. As a mom, I do have my tried and true stand by products One that I have used with all three of my kids is Boudreaux's Butt Paste. I loved the cute fat baby on the front when I went and looked at the multitude of diaper creams. Beyond that, this product really works! It clears my kids bottom's up overnight. No matter how bad her rash is, Boudreaux's is so gentle she never fusses. I love that it wipes off easy and come's in a variety of sizes. I stash a big tub upstairs and downstairs. I also keep a small tube in my purse.

So why am I spending today's blog post writing about ny daughter's tush. Because, I want you to try it and I can hook you up with a free sample just cuz I love ya! Grab this link and tell em I sent ya. I've got the bootie hook up for your little one.

http://www.blairex.com/BLButtPaste.php

My little tip for ya, I put a layer on Baby Girl's bottom before we spend the day at the beach. It help's keep her tush safe from the sand and salt water.

Boudreaux's has been featured on Oprah, Today, People Magazine just to name a few!

So get on out of here and get your freebie!

Boudreaux’s Butt Paste

You may break up with me

2010-04-07T07:30:00.000-04:00

Sunday, I saw the most heinous display of 2 of my major pet peeves that I actually stalked this woman and her husband in Lowes to take pictures of then with my phone and 2 children in tow.

Let me back up......I have ~~a lot~~ a couple serious pet peeves....doggybabies drive me up a friggin wall. I am sure I have a reader or follower who is a doggymommy to one of these doggybabies (I'm sure I do something that annoys the crap out of you so we will call it even)

I also t~~hrow up a little in my mouth~~ hate men who carry "man bags" (they are a purse and really do you have that much shit to carry)

So let's break down these ~~crimes against humanity~~ heinous infractions

Doggybabies

You know they type, the women who's dog's have become their adult substitute for playing dolls and Barbie

They carry these dogs everywhere dressed in every crime of fashion they can find to stick these dogs in

The people who think that their dog would rather go everywhere they go

as opposed to staying home sprawled across the biggest bed in the house licking their butt on your pillow.

My other major annoyance.......

The man bag.....there no man hot enough to pull this look off, there is no way you really need to carry that much crap with you. Beyond keys and your wallet what the hell else can you need?

Sunday I take my boy's to Lowes to get grab some dirt and I see my worst nightmare.....a dogbaby STRAPPED into the front seat of a shopping cart pushed by his doggymommy and his doggydaddy with his man bag. I became so distracted by the sight I could not focus. I wanted to take a picture so bad. I knew it was wrong to do it but I was dying to get a picture.I followed them around the store......and I did it, I couldn't help myself

I snuck 2 pictures. My darling son blocked the woman's shoes which pretty much looked like this

Guess he needed the man bag to carry doggy treats and maybe a change of doggy outfits for their trip to the super market...........

Sunday's Laundry....Spring Break Edition

2010-04-04T21:38:00.000-04:00

We are 2 day's into Spring Break and I can tell it's going to be a long week. We have a beach trip on the horizon so as long as we survive the next 2 day's until we leave, I think we will all make it through the week with limited psychological damage.

So my laundry for the week. I have no control over my boy's. I think this is why I dread these long breaks. They are both really great, sweet kids but they gang up on me. I don't have a lot of patience. I will readily admit that. While they will play for hours on end with each other chaos always rears it's ugly head. Someone "accidentally" pushes someone down, takes something or is just generally annoying the crap out of the other.

Last night was a perfect example. The boy's wanted to have a sleepover in boy 1's room. I expect a certain amount foolishness before they finally go to sleep. About an hour into this ill fated sleepover, I hear buy 2 trailing behind boy 1 "remember it was an accident, I didn't mean to do it"

Boy 1 comes into my room bleeding. Yes, bloody.

He opens his mouth to reveal that is semi loose tooth is now bleeding and hanging along with a bloody lip.

I can see the look of " oh shit how much trouble am I in" on boy 2's face.

So what's so dirty about this laundry.......

I am really bad with blood, really bad. Like so bad last year when my son pulled a TV over on himself (another story) and was bleeding like crazy, I almost passed out before the ambulance got to my house for him.

I am utterly useless in an emergency. I panic. I can't function. This is really terrifying as a mom. People say that your instincts kick in during an emergency. Not me. I suck.

I hope that my lack of emergency coping skills are not tested ~~again~~ often but with 2 boy's and a girl who is wilder then both boy's combined, I am afraid blood is going to be in my future again......just hope their dad is home

A big double dip for Friday!

2010-04-02T07:27:00.000-04:00

This has been a crazy week and I have neglected you so to make up for it, I am going to do 2 meme's in one blog cuz I love you sooooo much!

Lynn at midday escapes is the hostess with the mostess and each week hots Friday Follow so go link up and meet some other great bloggers, follow them and they will follow you e~~very where you go stalker style~~

I love when I get a new follower and because I am giving away a really great prize (hint hint) if I can get to 100 followers and 500 Facebook fans by Memorial Day follow me (you can follow me every where, maybe you can help me keep track of all my stuff

I am also playing along with Danifred at Sippy Cups because I have a lot of leftovers this week ( I haven't written in 2 day's so you know I've got stuff to say!) So go see her and share some love

My kids start Spring Break this week Pray for me. No really Pray like a lot....that I don't go to hell for letting my kids watch countless hours of TV and DS so I don't lose my mind

I thought it started Monday. I am totally unprepared to have 3 kids home today. I have already made promises of Scooby Doo movies and time on the DS if I can drink my coffee in peace this morning....I'm weak

I love my city but it goes from 40 degrees to 85 degrees in a week. No Spring here, Winter to Summer.

Bathing Suit season has snuck up on me again. She's such a sneaky little bitch.

I spent my first week of baseball season running between 2 fields with baby girl on my hip it was freakishly funny "go boy 1" run to field 8 "go boy 2" back to field 9 "go boy 1"
Baseball mom's do you feel my pain

I have a (another) new job! I am really excited about this one. I have become a Publisher Mom with Macaroni Kid.

I love the idea of being able to work from home and do something I love! Email me if you would like more information, they are looking for more mom's!! The support is amazing and the opportunity is once in a lifetime

I hope you all have a great weekend! Please come play with me on Sunday and air some laundry, I know it's Easter so come cleanse your soul here (say's the nice Jewish girl livin in the South)

Tuesday....hmmm...will Friday ever get here

2010-03-30T14:08:00.000-04:00

I sassed off....shocking I know

2010-03-29T05:00:00.001-04:00

My baby girl has a strong personality, a strong sense of self and a great love for order in all things she encounters. I love that she has gumption, that she doesn't let anyone push her around. Apparently not everyone finds her as amusing and lovable as I do.

For the past several weeks (all school year) baby girl has been in a pre-school class of all boy's (until last week when a new little girl started). Baby girl, having 2 big brothers, knows how to handle herself.....and I guess everyone else around her. Her teachers have been informing me for weeks at pick up about which boy she bossed around, which boy she told to eat his lunch or stop pulling things off the walls, telling which teacher to pick something up and the list goes on. It was a cute story the first 2 times. Now it is just old. Every day they have some story for me about something she did and if there is no story, when I ask how her day was I get "Well, good but she sure is bossy". Finally I turn to her teacher and say "well, isn't it good she can hold her own, women need to learn to stand up for themselves" her teacher in her best I'm gonna humor you because I have to voice say's "well, I guess"....

I made a major mistake in this scenario, can you spot it.......

I continued to ask how her day was at pick up......ROOKIE MISTAKE!

So I have stopped, I pick her up and say "glad she had a great day! See you next week"

This week though, I got one comment too many and lost it (a little, there were 2 year olds around)

Here's the scene....

Baby girl's little boyfriend's birthday in class. All of the kiddos sitting at the table, 2 teachers and 2 other mom's. Her teacher say's "Oh baby girl was telling all the kids what to do today, she blah blah blah blah" she went on and on one of my mom-a-like's was sitting at the table and gives me the eye (you know the are you gonna lose your shit at her now eye)

I looked at this woman and in my best "I'm saying this as nice as I can but if you don't back off my tone is gonna change real quick" and I said " You know what, I love that my girl has moxie, I want her to be confident and stand up for herself and do you know any man that DOESN'T"T need a woman to tell him what to do?"

Here is the real reason this makes me so mad.....I spend a lot of money for my kid to attend this school, like I could buy new Jimmy Choo's every month kinda money. What I spend a year I could abandon my kids for a month and hide on a Greek Island.

As far as I'm concerned she should be blowing rainbows and unicorns up my you know what.

(Go ahead click the link above, more than once, you'll see what I mean)

I really feel like they should be able to find 1 nice thing to say about my kid when I pick her up. She's not beating anyone up (yet) she's not hitting or biting, she is merely helping them do their job and quit frankly, they should probably be giving me a tuition discount for it

Now a lot of my fellow pre school mom's read my blog so I hope you will respect my Vegas blog rules and not go ratting me out to the director for complaining about my teacher.

Remember What happens in Crazyville stay's in Crazyville (or I drop my kids off at your house, all of them)

I'm a liar......My Dirty Laundry

2010-03-28T06:30:00.002-04:00

Happy Sunday! I hope you will play along and air some of your dirty laundry on your blog too. I don't have Mr Linky set up yet so go a head and leave your link in your comment!

My dirty laundry for today, well I had 2 and I was having a hard time deciding so I decided to tell you what I lie about....I lie about toys and there whereabouts to my boy's.

You know all those little toys they come home with in goody bags (sorry mama friends), the toys from the Happy Meals, they all go to the same place

I sneak them in any time I can, the kids are sitting at the table, I'm cleaning up the playroom....oops Darth Vader falls into the trash. In their rooms, making beds....oops there goes a Kung Fu Panda.

Call me heartless, I am sure I could donate them, give them away etc but they find them. They are savvy little pack rats and the always manage to find anything I try and hide from them. Honestly, there is only so much of this

and this

That I can take. So, I lie to my kids, I tell them I have no idea where their annoying Alvin and The Chipmunks toy is that wont stop making noise and makes me want to scratch my eyes out. I have no idea where it is.

New Word

2010-03-25T06:43:00.000-04:00

Baby Girl has decided she wants to use the potty (which I think sucks because it is a huge PIA to take a girl potty) gone are my day's of opening the sliding doors and telling my kids to hang it out the side. Now I have to pull over, find a potty cover it up and hoist her little booty up there. Really she could have stayed in diapers for a lot longer then she has.

There has been a lot of fall out from her desire to potty train but the worst is my boy's now have a new vocabulary word to laugh about....vagina.

It played out like this: I put Baby Girl on the little potty, she pees gets off decides she has to pee more wont use the little potty because it's "durty use mommy's potty" (really she is a Prima Donna) stick her om the big potty....boy 2 walks in "Mommy why is Baby Girl's penis so small" (I have avoided teaching the V word to them and just responed to the penis comments with a frank "She doesn't have a penis" )

But he asked, he finally asked "Well, what does she have?"

"A vagina honey, she has a vagina"

Boy 2 screams "A pugina baaaaaa she has a pugina"

"No sweetie a vagina"

Boy 1 "a maguina, did you say maguina baaaaaa"

"No a VAGINA"

It finally dawns on me that there messin' with me.

They proceed to run up and down the hall screaming a million variations of vagina. I am sure I'm getting a phone call from school tomorrow

Cute huh? Glad you think so, come pick them up at 7, I'll have them all packed up for ya.

Post it Note Tuesday Why do I

2010-03-23T07:30:00.000-04:00

http://imfindingmyweigh.blogspot.com/

Spelling Words

2010-03-22T07:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Heir and Spare,

I would like to let you know that I am no longer enjoying practicing spelling with you. What started as a simple homework assignment has become yet another way for the 2 of you to prove your intellectual superiority over your mother. We started with simple words like election, review and territory. But now you have turned the tables on me. You are testing me. You are plotting to see if you can trick me. You are going to make the men come and take me away in the crazy wagon sooner. So let's clear things up. I am the tester, I will be the only one asking anyone to spell anything in the car ride home. You will no longer ask me to spell I C-u-p or ask me to say lettuce and then spell c-u-p, I now know what a PT is. I fell for it once (maybe twice) but I will not fall for it again because I am

The Spelling Enforcer

Love,
Mommy

Body Dismorphia

2010-03-21T16:44:00.000-04:00

My Dirty Laundry for today!!

I am sure I am not the only woman who suffers from this disorder. I do however think I may have an extreme case. I am not a big girl, I would not however call myself tiny or skinny by any stretch. I think I am probably just plain ole' average. I could lose 5 (10) pounds but really am not willing to give up the ice cream to maintain it. I could run a little more often, I could do a few (lot) more sit ups but I don't. I maintain just where I am.

The funny thing is, I am thinner after having 3 kids then at any other point in my life including High School.

But still when my friends tell me I look skinny, tell me I have lost a lot of weight I cringe.

I think I live in a world of fun house mirrors

Google images

My husband tells me I have body dimorphic disorder. I totally thought he made it up but it is a real thing! I am not sure that I meet the clinical definition but I may be borderline.

Some scientist have determined that everyone has a set point . Not all scientist agree with this theory but it makes sense to me. I can get down to the teens but I can never maintain it for long.

Maybe it's just because I am not one of those girls who wants to give up carbs, cheese, meat, sugar, diet soda or any of the other things that I love. I love to eat, I don't just eat to fuel my body, I enjoy food that taste good, I enjoy an Oreo when I have had a shitty day and you all know they will have to pry my wine from my cold dead hands.

I am at a healthy weight, I have a good BMI, my doctor has no worries about the weight I maintain. I am the one who is hard on me about it. I envy my friends who can eat anything and stay tiny tiny, I envy my friends who can avoid the foods that I can't (because I would be an evil chick without the oooey gooey goodness of cheese in my life).

I turn a big age next year that ends in a 0 and does not start with a 3 anymore. So I am going to try and give myself a gift (early) the gift of body acceptance for my Birthday. As long as I am healthy, I will (try) no longer try and force myself into a size I just was never meant to be.

I think we should all give ourselves this gift. If you are at a weight that does not impact your health but maybe is not the weight you dream of, find a new dream, love the weight you are.

Go forth and eat your ice cream!

Friday Night Leftover's filled with love and a special birthday

2010-03-19T07:22:00.003-04:00

Go See Danifred at Sippy Cups and leave her some love.She rocks! If you don't follow her yet...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? She kicks booty and her kids are so friggin cute you have to see their pictures!

First thing I need to give some big ole' virtual hugs to some Mama's

Shell over at Things I can't Say is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever encountered. She goes out of her way to support ever blogger that she can. She is wiling to share her knowledge and her experiences with any one who asks. She has 3 kiddos but always makes time for others. My husband would like me to thank her for her lovin' blog (wink wink) Go visit her and take part in her new Meme Pour Your Heart Out.

Rebekah at Mom-in-a-million for her awesome guest blog on Sunday. The response was great and I am pissed I don't have a Wegman's now.

I have tried to follow everyone back who has followed me, if I have missed you please remind me. I am trying to be a better commenter, this whole parenting thing get's in the way sometimes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

My baby girl turned 2 yesterday. I can't believe it. How has this happened and why is my butt still so big. I think I should get 1 year per child to lose the weight so baby #3, I get 3 years to take it off. Phew 1 more year to go

Here are some pictures of Her Royal Highness Princess Carry-Me-A lot

Newborn

With her big brothers (do you love my little Blondie's kick ass long hair)

First Birthday (Damm, good hair day for mama)

Snow!!

2 year old fashion icon

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. Thank you for all of the joy you bring into my life everyday. I hope your life is always blessed with peace and happiness
xoxo Mama

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

2010-03-18T07:21:00.000-04:00

Cara Mama was married last weekend and she was silly enough to invite me. Actually, she and I have been friends for more than 15 years so she really had no choice. If I had not been invited, I would have shown up any way like this

and screaming about her fiance Rocket being the dad causing several of the old Bubbes there to drop dead on site

So to avoid a Jonestown scene at her wedding, she invited me.

My darling husband and I made the 6 hour drive from our lovely Southern city (that can't manage to get a friggin Whole Foods or Wegman's to open up in it)

First I want to say, you learn some shit about people when you spend that much time in a car with them. I thought I knew all there was to know. NOPE and let's just say, sometimes we don't need to know EVERYTHING!

Here are some pictures of the car we followed into DC

My genius husband figured if we followed this guy and we are both going 90, the dude with the hoopdee would got pulled over first. I am so sad to report that I could not get a picture of the Hummer with pictures of stripper's on the side. He was going to slow and my husband wanted to keep up with bumper dude

On the day of the wedding it was raining, Cara Mama was sick of everyone telling her it was good luck. Being the good friend that I am, I told her rain on your wedding day sucks, it's a b**ch to get your hair done be in a long dress and have to step through mud and crap on your way to pictures. I'm not gonna lie to ya, that's the kind of friend I am a regular ole'

I was not ruining my beauties that I was debuting at the wedding. Carlos rode in the place of honor on the way to the wedding. I wore my UGGS into the winery and carried Carlos. True story! Here is proof

Let me also say that I need to give a big shout out to Spanx for giving me the booty of a 20 year old. I LOVE YOU! Sorry no booty shots, this is not that kind of blog (usually)

The wedding was beautiful even though my husband would not let me hold a glass of wine during the ceremony and took it from me and POUNDED it before I could object.....I told you road trips teach you some things about people.

Here is a picture of the beautiful bride and her groom

Look at those big barrels of wine! I hope that is what my heaven is like

After the wedding, we moved to the back of the barrel room where they were pouring wine, lots of wine. Some how I had 2 before the food was served. I met a lovely friend of Cara Mama's and her husband, Melba Toast. He was so dry and boring, I was so tipsy, I think I kept talking to him just because I could tell how much he didn't want to be talking to me and I couldn't find my husband.

Really he kept pulling the disappearing act on me. I found out later where he was....stayed tuned.

Somehow, each time I went to get drink, the grooms Uncle and father were standing by the bar and seemed to be continuing the same conservation about what to do after the wedding. Being the girl I am, I invited them to come have dinner with us (it was an early afternoon wedding). Apparently, I invited them several times, like each time I saw them. I think his dad thought I was
A. Trying to pick him up
B. A stalker
C. Some drunk chick who was following him around the wedding
D. All of the above

So because I could not find my husband, the groom's dad was hiding from me, Melba Toast was well, Melba Toast. I went off to play with Cara Mama's beautiful little girl. She is 5 (going on 15). Being the good Aunt I am, we went off to apply lipstick and blush, get drinks in fancy glasses and talked about what she want's to be when she grows up (ME!!! Really she said she wants to be me)

My husband finally showed back up, I took Carlos off (who was hit on by several woman admiring my feet) and climbed into the car, drunk at 6 PM in the middle of nowhere VA. So what's a girl to do?

Have her hubby drive to the nearest BP, get directions to the local burger joint, order take out, put on my jammies and eat a big ole' burger.

Where was my husband during the reception?? Well I get into the car look into the backseat and see

HE WAS PUTTING OUR GLASSES IN OUR CAR!! You counted correctly, there are 8 of them. 8!!!

He said they were special, they have the name of the Winery. I can understand 1 maybe 2 so we each have one. But 8!

I think he was drunk and I missed it because I was hanging with Mr Melba Toast.

I told you, road trips bring out some scary shit in people.

Oh please do not arrest me I would not do well in jail and I look really really bad in orange.

Next time we fly. No more road trips with sticky fingers

2010-03-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

I am guest blogging over at We Believe Blogs today. It is a post a wrote awhile back but I got a ton of feedback on it. I am reposting it for my new followers and for We Believe readers so get outta here and head over there and share some love. I will be back Thursday with my wedding story. I can't find the pictures I thought I took (told ya it wasn't pretty)

Don't forget about the Crazyville Memorial Day Challenge to bring me to 100 Followers and 500 Facebook Fans here is a little preview of one of the goodies you can win in your gift basket of goodness

Glam Gloves!! I love these and if I have to do the damm dishes I'm gonna look good while I'm doing it!

So get going find me some fans and followers or have dish pan hands

Tuesday and a wedding teaser

2010-03-16T07:45:00.001-04:00

What someone does not love

2010-03-14T08:00:00.003-04:00

Currently I am getting all purty to go to my dear friend Cara Mama's wedding and drink my face off so I can do something really stupid and blog it for you next Sunday. So for today, Mom in a Million has some dirty laundry of her own to share.....I have always thought she was a cool chick but this laundry is pretty dirty

Come here. Closer. Closer. OK, too close. That’s better. I’m going to tell you a secret.
I don’t get the appeal of Trader Joe’s.
Pardon me while I recoil in shock over the sound of scream of horror and disbelief echoing through the blog-o-verse.
I know. I KNOW. Trader Joe’s is all that and a bag of store-brand chips. They make the best frozen lunches in the world. They sell great cheap wine (well, in normal states they do. In my state, Maryland, with its weird liquor laws, they do not.). Trader Joe’s is grocery Mecca!
Really? Is it? What part of it? What should I be looking for? Because I have no idea what I’m supposed to buy when I walk in there.

Let me give you a little grocery background that might illuminate my apathy. I come from Rochester, New York which is the hometown of a grocery chain called Wegman’s (people in areas with Wegman’s locations are now hearing the sound of Heavenly Hosts singing to them as beams of light shine down). Wegman’s is…oh, how do I describe it? OK, you know how you might need to plan a big event, like a wedding? You can get everything you need for a wedding, including possibly a groom, inside Wegman’s. They have flowers, catering, gourmet bakery, party supplies, bulk food for buying Jordan almonds for favor bags, a sushi bar, homemade pasta, and gorgeous produce, all on site. They sell everything. This is not a joke. Just look at the map of their flagship store.

http://www.wegmans.com/images/storeDirectory/store25.gif

And no. I am not, nor have I ever been on Wegman’s payroll, which was actually pretty unusual in my home town. Everyone worked for Wegman’s because they had great scholarship programs for their employees.
Anywho, Wegman’s is my baseline for all things grocery. The bar? Is high.
But, admittedly, Wegman’s can be overwhelming and you don’t always want that much of an experience when trying to grocery shop. And also, the nearest Wegman’s is a two hour drive from my house so you see the problem. Enter recommendations for Trader Joe’s. It’s supposed to have all the charm of a little mom-and-pop store with tons of fun gourmet prepared foods and the convenience of being absolutely everywhere.
So, about once a year I get the itch to check out Trader Joe’s and join the love-fest. And every time I do it? I am left baffled. Every Trader Joe’s I have been in is kind of small, crowded and hard for me to navigate. They’re not laid out for browsing and I end up jogging through the aisles dodging Trader Joe’s veterans who are elbowing their way in to get to their favorite stuff while I squint in the generally direction of the labels and try to figure out if what I’m seeing between the other enthusiastic shoppers is a the Item That Will Fulfill My Dinner Desires For All Time or if it’s just a bag of frozen vegetables, nearly identical to the ones I could be buying at Giant only with a funkier bag.
I made another one of these annual treks this past weekend and the same thing happened only with the addition of a woman who had apparently come to Trader Joe’s to lean on a shopping cart and talk on her freakin’ phone while standing in the middle of the aisle where she was most definitely NOT SHOPPING, but rather was taking up valuable space. The icing on the Rude Phone Lady cake was the evil looks she kept giving me whenever I had the audacity to try and reach around her to pick up an item off a shelf.

I did successfully purchase some frozen food that has been making appearances on my dinner table this week. And it’s tasty. And it wasn’t too expensive. But I’m not overwhelmed. And I really hated trying to shop in a store where everyone is so excited to be there that they feel at home enough to use it as their personal call-center. So this coming weekend you’ll probably find me in the freezer section of Costco instead of Trader Joe’s.
But I’ll be dreaming of Wegman’s the whole time.
Mom-In-A-Million

Who's your daddy

2010-03-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby Girl,

Please please please please stop calling every man you see in Target daddy. Peeps are looking at your momma like she is holding out on you. It's bad enough I am that mom in Target with those boy's. I now am adding a baby girl who appears to not know who her daddy is. So for the sake of your momma's last remaining strands of sanity, please stop.

Friday Night Leftovers

2010-03-12T08:30:00.000-05:00

I have had really bad writers block this week. I have struggled to find anything to write about. I know everyone hits this point, just my turn.

I am off to a wedding this weekend. I love weddings. I love to see 2 people filled with fresh love and optimism about their future before he forgets how to change the toilet paper, stops being able to bend at the waist and forgets how a washer works.

I am hopeful someone will drink to much and give me something to report back to you about the reception.

My kids have been really well behaved this week, I know they are just laying the ground work to drop a huge bomb on me. I am sure at some point someone is going to blow something up or end up with stitches. It's just been too quiet.

I hope this writer's block ends soon, someone has stolen my funny so please return it (NOW) maybe I need to drink more.

Here is my Friday wine for this week enjoy it with your own Friday Night Leftovers and while your at it go visit Danifred at Sippy Cups and show her some comment lurve

Avaible at your local Target this week's selection is

Mom-in-a-million will be blogging and spillin her dirty secrets here for me on Sunday. Go over and check out her blog to get a preview of her wittyself.

While you are at her blog please show her some love and follow her on Facebook or become a follower, she is an awesome writer and a great bloggy buddy!!

Unspeakable Just Unspeakable

2010-03-11T16:19:00.001-05:00

As I was bringing myself up to date today on the latest news. I came across one of the worst crimes I have seen. It looked like just another case of a misunderstood Pussy Cat Doll being set up by someone who saw herself as the other women in their chart topping classic "Don't Cha"

But it turns out to be worse then that. My Girlicious star was arrested with a Gucci bag filled with cocaine. How could she do this. How could ANYONE miss treat one of the most precious items that Italy has given us.

This is by far one of the worst crimes against fashion.

Worse then the horrifying Jessica jeans

I know you are having a hard time wrapping your head around this travesty but it's true. Here is her mug shot straight off TMZ

http://www.tmz.com/2010/03/11/girlicious-star-natalie-mejia-charged-felony-drug-cocaine/

Stick Em' Up

2010-03-09T07:28:00.001-05:00

I am going to be out of town this weekend....if you would like to guest blog for me send me an email! I would love a Saturday and Sunday post. If you post on Sunday you have to be willing to share a dirty little secret!!

My girls have let me down

2010-03-08T07:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Girlfriends,

I am not sure why you are treating me like this way. I feel like I have always been good to you. I take you with me where ever I go. You have been there for all of the most important events of my life. I have bought you the best designer labels to show you how much I care. I know I have not always been easy on you, forcing you carry drinks for my babies, squeezing you into tight places and banging you around when I run.

I know I have made fun of you, I have complained about you in front of other people, but you have given me few options. I need support. You have let me down, in a big way. I have had to find new ways to get support because your just not able to support me the way I need to be.

It is not easy to find the support I need at my age and with 3 kids. I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. Someone else is going to have to move in. Someone who can fill in where you can't. It is with great sadness that I tell you you are going to need to live in a padded room. You just can't do the job alone anymore.

I would like for you to meet your new roommates

It may get uncomfortable come summer time but until I can take you to the doctor for a little pick me up, you'll have to deal.

With much love,
She who used to be a full C but is now a sad B

Air'in my beauty secret's today

2010-03-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

Sunday Dirty Laundry better late than never.....

I have not been able to get my hair colored in weeks. My kids are engaged in a game to see how many gray hairs a week they can create. I refuse to show my gray, I have very little but I am vain about what is coming in. So what I can't get with tweezers I have a new plan for.

My trusty and hand pink tube of love

That's right. I use my ever faithful tube of Great Lash to cover the gray's I can't get with the tweezers in between visits to Mandy my color goddess.

Someday I will get this all linked up but if you have some dirty laundry to air, do it! Leave a comment with your link and we will come visit

TGIF and my new word (that I may let you steal)

2010-03-05T07:21:00.000-05:00

Holy I never thought Friday would get here. This week was filled with so much mamadrama I thought I was going to have to bitch slap someone by day's end. But I digress

It is time for Friday Night Leftover hosted by the ever talented and lovely Danifred over at Sippy Cups who BTW has an AWESOME give away going on right now so scoot your booties over there after I am done with ya here and enter!

My son's have hit an all time low this week the Heir (Oldest boy) and the Spare (middle child and youngest boy, how damaging is it to call him the spare, oh well, therapy is on me. It's always the mom's fault any way)

Highlights from their enlightened conservations this week:

Heir to Spare "Why do you ALWAYS pinch my nipples"
Heir "Hey move your big booty"
Spare" Mommy why is daddy F.A.T?"
Spare "I know all the F words but I am not telling you because I don't want to go to time out"

Brilliant, I am so proud of the fine young men I am sending out into the world

I bought Just Dance for the Wii but I am too chicken to play along with Shell and Supah's Just Dance Yer Bloggy Off (but you should because your are a rocking dancer and I totally think you will win)

But we have had a family dance contest the winner get's to keep the Rock Dog in their room for the week. The dog dances and sings to what else...."Who let the dogs out" duh! If I can figure out how to Vlog (fancy huh) I will post him for your to see. The winner for the week....my husband. Really you have never seen a grown man so happy about beating his kids and wife at a friggin video game and no I am not a sore loser I would have totally smoked him but he had a bad week at work and I wanted him to feel better.

New Word....

I have a dear friend who seems to live a parallel life to mine. We share a lot of the same struggles, same philosophy of parenting. She is my friend that I can call and say "I sent N to school with no underwear DSS is coming to take my kids" and she responds "that's awesome" and then tells me some shitty parenting act of her's. She is the mom I talk to on the phone while I make dinner and drink a glass of wine while our kids are ~~watching TV~~ studying and learning to become better citizens of the world. She yells the same crazy shit I do at her kids "stop throwing stuff from the stairs" "get off your brother" "go somewhere just not here"

She is my Mom-A-Like

I really don't know what I would do with out her. Everyone should have a Mom-A-Like and if you do....take my word and my sticky and write about her.

And finally for Friday a reminder to hug your kids a little longer today.

A Blog Buddy of mine Rebekah over at Mom in a Million has a good friend who's daughter has been diagnosed with cancer so send good thoughts over to her at her rockin blog.

A women I went to High School with passed away recently from her 4th battle with cancer. She had cancer when we were in HS and never let it slow her down. She left behind 2 beautiful little girls. Here is a link to a story about Heather and a way to support her beautiful girls.

My kids make me crazy and some days I want to run away from them but I don't know that I could have handled Heater's situation with such grace and courage

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100226/NEWS0104/2270321/Heather-Ray-cancer-fund-raiser

Have a great weekend

XoXo

I suck and I need attention

2010-03-04T07:31:00.000-05:00

I suck

I was given a blog award recently by one of the cool chicks who reads my ramblings and I did not address it right away and I have forgotten who it was. I can't find the comment with the link and I feel really bad about it. So I hope you didn't break up with me and that you will give me the link again so I can thank you and pass on the love.

Here is my formal apology

(Google images)

I need attention

I know there are a lot of blogs out there but because I think I am filled with awesomeness and should have a world wide following of adoring fans I have been given the blessing of go ahead from one of my favorite blogs Rants From Mommyland

to ~~steal~~ use one of there brilliant ~~ploys~~ ideas to help tell the world about my awesomeness so this week I am starting the

The Crazyville Memorial Day Challenge

Between now and Memorial Day I need your to help me get me to 1000 fans on Facebook and 150 Blog Followers.

The purpose behind this little ~~stunt~~ brilliant idea is to help get some advertising and give away's on my blog so ~~my husband will get off my case about all the time I am on the computer~~ I have some cool stuff to give to you and earn a little extra money so I can buy myself something pretty (you want me to look good for you right?)

The winner will be chosen from my current 55 followers and 105 original Facebook Fans at random through the Google random picker do hickey thingamagee so everyone will have a fair shake (unless you send me cash)

The prize will include the following:

Some selected reading material to make you snort and laugh
A Starbucks gift card so your children will feel more tolerable for a few sips
Snacks so yummy you will sneak away from your kids and eat in the garage so you don't have to share
A surprise (or 2)

On my Facebook page, under my profile picture there is a link that say's "suggest to friends" Click on that and suggest away. Let as many people know as you can how to find me.

So stop hanging out here and go about our ~~brainwashing mission~~ very important business!

I may never eat Sushi again.......

2010-03-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

Hey Hey It's what I meant to say Wednesday! (do you love my fancy rhyme, no charge enjoy) Don't forget to visit Chief and show her some love....

Last week a dear friend of mine who recently moved to the coldest place on earth where she had to have some guy come and melt the ice off her friggin house and has a snow crew on retainer (who's crazy here) came back for a visit....of course a girls night is in order

New sushi restaurant in town perfect~

We all sit order our wine and make note of the fish bowls with fish in them and floating candles (ooo the irony of live fish at your sushi table)

as the evening comes to an end one of the fish decides he has had enough and makes a break for it...jumps from the bowl and lands on the table

(Google Images)

Thankfully we were done eating.....as we sit stunned only 1 out of the 8 were able to keep our wits about us and rescue the poor little guy and it wasn't me (good thing nothing more serious happened, we were freaking useless in the face of an emergency)

We spent the rest of our time there watching waiting to see what would happen, was he going to die? Have a heart attack, live?

We gather up to leave when we are confronted by the manager. He wants to know how our meal was...really...our meal's first cousin just tried to kill himself on our table

The saver of the fish tell's him what happened and his response?

Wait for it

Wait for it...

"Well, that's what fish do"

Ummmm no they don't jack ass

And really, is there anything more disgusting then finishing a meal of dead fish then to have one try and kill it's self in front of you as if to say

"Nooooo not Nemo.....my love I will join you in fishy heaven"

So no jerk, it's not what fish do, there is no meant to say here because it was said by 8 annoyed chicks who don't keep their mouths shut

And really who the hell puts live fish on the table where people eat dead fish?

Post it Note Tuesday and I have something to say to you...yes you

2010-03-02T07:35:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday! Time to play along with Supah

Business2Blogger Spreadin' the word!

2010-03-01T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am new to blogging, I am making mistakes and learning a great deal on my way. One of the greatest discoveries I have come across is Business 2 Blogger!

Thanks to Holly, Jay and Shauna, blogger's have the opportunity to connect with businesses and review some pretty awesome products. I have not done a review yet (the parenting thing continues to get in the way) but I am confident that when I do I can trust the source. Holly, Jay and Shauna (HJS as I call them because were tight like that, well I haven't told them that yet so shhhh) have everyone's best interest in mind.

If you are not signed up with them yet take a few minutes and head over and check them out.
You can also become their fan on Facebook as well as follow them on Twitter (see I told you we were tight like that)

So what are you waiting for? Get on over there now and sign up quick, a new email with great oppourtinities is coming soon, no really soon, go...get out of here...sign up quick...now

Why are you still here see the button up there go click on it, it'll take you right over. Oh and tell them I sent you, you'll get extra special treatment because HJS and I are tight like that.

Sunday Funny

2010-02-28T20:22:00.000-05:00

I had such a manic weekend I could not get my Dirty Laundry post done in time. I have pictures I need to get scanned in and round up the soundtrack so I may get it done tomorrow or it may wait until next week. So today I leave you with the funniest thing said at my house this week.

Friday I am driving the boy's home from school and hear the following conservation

Oldest boy #1 is in 1st grade
Younger boy #2 in in Pre K

#1 "Hey #2 are you A.P.T?"

#2 "Uhhhh Yes?"

#1 (breaks out into hysterical laughter) "Ahhhhh your a pregnant teenager?!! Bahhhhh"

After I ran the car off the road in shock that my 6 year old just said that, I found out where he learned this (school) and told him if I heard it again I was telling his Principal (the only person he is afraid of) and then told him I would home school him (he said he would rather go to military school).

My poor 4 year old was so confused he say's to #1 "Are you S.M?" :hahaha your Superman"

Riding shotgun with crazy

2010-02-27T08:24:00.001-05:00

A ~~scary~~ look into the mind of a mom left alone in the car for 30 minutes on her way to pick up the dynamic duo from school.

I need a Starbucks, no time

OOO is that Taylor Dayne
Love will lead you back to my heart...someday I know that love will lead you back to my heart

Wow that is a big pimple
it hurts....maybe it's not a pimple, must Google it
If I Google it, it'll be cancer....don't Google it

Silence

Hey the gas pedal is the one on the right...arsehalt...

Birthday Sex Birthday Sex ....girl you know IIIII girl you know III....
wonder if I have to do it tonight...don't have time to shower tomorrow
I really need XM

light is blinking...ignore it...you promised Oprah no Blackberry and driving....come on red light come on red light Yes! OK check it quick.....put it down put it down ....

what the hell does that plate mean...f'in hate that...what's the point if no one understands WTF it means......

I love that house I need my hair cut

I'll stop the world and melt with you, you've seen the changes and it's getting better all the time...love this song...reminds me of High School....hmmm....maybe I'll come clean about the real reason I didn't go to the reunion....
I need XM.....

I hate driving with my coat on...it's blinking again....come on red light red light red light
Coat off check BB...I have an addiction....
Almost there...getting ready to be really loud in here....

Carpool line...wow, I don't really remember driving here....

30 min alone in the car....It's a one woman psych ward

And for those of you under 35 here are Taylor Dayne and Modern English

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Will-Lead-You-Back/dp/B00137TQ4A/ref=dm_att_trk8?ie=UTF8&qid=1267277215&sr=1-2-ent

http://www.amazon.com/I-Melt-With-You/dp/B000V6Q3PO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1267277303&sr=1-1

And for those if you over 35 here is Jeremih who sings Birthday Sex

http://www.amazon.com/Birthday-Sex-Album-Version/dp/B002E6M6EG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1267277348&sr=1-1

(images from Google images)

Friday Friday Friday!!! Serving up some leftovers for you

2010-02-26T07:18:00.000-05:00

Here we are again with the wonderful and witty Danifred

I may drink a lot tonight, more than usual, no I don't have a problem....OK I do, 3 small one's and when they go to bed, I'm hitting the sauce.

The sauce of choice for this Friday is

That's about as pornographic as it get's at my house but it is a great wine and the best part....

I can buy it at Target while I am buying diapers, toilet paper and Capri Suns

Nothing say's quality mom like 3 bottles of wine and a box of diapers at checkout

Baseball season starts tomorrow for my boy's.

2 boy's 2 different teams

Mine as well sell the house buy a double wide and move to the ball field

My mom sent me an email with this picture

I have a prize for the first person who can figure out why this is so damm funny

Really, is there anything I can say after that picture?

Have a great weekend. Don't forget to join me on Sunday to air your dirty laundry....I have a doozy this week and there will be pictures!

Anatomy of a Tantrum

2010-02-25T06:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby Girl,

We have had a tough week. You and I have not seen eye to eye on many of the decisions around the house. You have been upset that you are not allowed to stand on the kitchen table, pull the dog's tail (really I am not sure why our dog has not run away from home), wear my shoe's, lipstick, watch or your brother's under ware.

When you do not get what you feel you are entitled to, a full on fit for the ages ensues. Diva behavior is not becoming on anyone as you will see in this little pictorial I have put together for you titled Anatomy of a Tantrum

Ahh jewelry from Bubbe all better (and uhh FU mom we know who the real princess is)

You people never disappoint me...What I meant to say Wednesday

2010-02-24T06:20:00.001-05:00

As of noon Tuesday I had nothing for this post. 1 full week of nobody pissin me off. Too good to be true? Yep, today some fool jumped out of the shallow end of the gene pool and decided to try and swim with me.

Costco 12:30 PM, I am strollin out happy as I can be with my sushi lunch and my hubbies $40 gold plated razors when some MeMaw comes tearing around the corner and almost takes me and all my sunshine and butterflies out with her $2 mini van ( I can rip on vans, I drive one so back off)

I shoot her a look, she gives me an Oops, I'm as old as Methuselah so I can drive like an asshole look.

As I am loading myself and goodies into the van the biatch honks at me to hurry up. Now she wants my spot really are you kidding me...how closely related to each other are your parents?

What I meant to say (do) was walk up to her window bang on it and tell her my father is the founding member of M16 and she better back off before I call my brothers who get out on parole next week to come open some woop ass on her inpatient can't drive sorry self. Then I would have done something really scary to her like make some crazy fake gang sign.

Really, she was lucky I had to haul my butt out of Costco anyway to go pick baby girl up from school otherwise I would have sat my happy self in my car for a few minutes hung out until she gave up and found a new spot.

OK people can we make it next week with out putting me out. My guess is no so I will be back again playin this same old song next week.

BIG NEWS! I am going to extend my giveaway and re post the details tomorrow (because I am too sleepy to do it now) so stay tuned!!

Stick em' Up....I have some love notes to share today

2010-02-23T07:14:00.000-05:00

Dirty Secrets....Sunday is Laundry Day

2010-02-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

I will admit I am a blog novice so don't bust my behindy for changing things up....I love the idea of have a confession day so last Sunday I tried out Sunday Confessional, it didn't work for me for a few reasons so I have spent ~~a couple of hours while my hubby was watching American Idol~~ sleepless nights revamping my feature. Drum Roll PLEASE.........I am switchin' it up to Dirty Laundry. Sunday is laundry day at my house so what better way to celebrate Sunday and all those mounds of laundry then to avoid it and post on your blog and read all my dirty secrets.

Feel free to play along, I promise I won't change it again ~~unless I get busted for something I say and they haul me off to jail~~ so go ahead and link up! I will figure Mr Linky out some day and get him all hooked up in the meantime just grab my butt(on) link to me on your blog and spill it.

So here it is my dirty secret for Sunday.......

I always tell my husband I have to be someplace 30-45 minutes before I really have to be there. Girls night out starts at 7:30 Nope, 6:45 have to leave by 6:30. Pedi at 11AM, Nope 10:30 honey sorry gotta run and change baby girl while your at it, I'm running late.....

What do I do with that extra time? I regain my sanity, I wander in Marshall's /Home Goods and look at all the kitchen stuff good mom's who cook use. I try on shoes I would never buy because I can't run after baby girl in them. I longingly run my hands across the size 2 jeans that fit me before I had 3 kids that screwed my body up so bad Dr 90210 couldn't even undo the damage.

I love those few extra minutes to myself just mindless time to reflect on ~~how I can be a better mother and wife~~
nothing, with no one touching or talking to me....pure bliss

As I was finishing up this post, my son's ran into my room, their fish have died (both fish) ~~dirty secret #2 THANK GOODNESS!!! I am so over having to take care of one more damm thing in this house!~~ We are very saddened by their loss and they are now resting comfortably where ever my toilet water goes. Sigh...at least they are together.....

I am in love........

2010-02-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

with the awesome items over at http://www.etsy.com/shop/DaydreamsandMudpies

Leslie's item's are awesome and creative here are a few of my current faves....

Sushi wine charms so cute and they make sure people keep their paws off my wine!

Wish they had this in my size

and this is just beautiful

You can own one of her original pieces of jewelry! Just enter my giveaway....leave a comment on What I Meant to say Wednesday about something your kids have done this week to make you crazy. Craziest kids win! I will show up at the door of the winner Ed McMahon style with balloons and a a big fake check.

Just to tempt you again here are the earrings I am giving away

Now kids get to it, make your mama's crazy so they can get some new jewelery

Dryer Drama Part Deaux: The Battle between the blower and garden hose

2010-02-19T07:33:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought it was over.....

Monday when Mr Fix It from Sears showed up to fix the dryer (and came into my house w/out taking off his shoes grrrrr) he informed me that we need to have our ducts cleaned, which of course, he does not do. Sooo..Super Dad comes home and I inform him that the ducts have to be cleaned but we don't need to spend the $150 (mama needs shoes and maybe a purse). I inform him I have spoken to my buddy E and her hubby was able to clean theirs out himself with the leaf blower. Off he goes, 6:30 at night and upstairs with the leaf blower. Let me say I tried to capture the full escapade on film but I had 2 obstacles. The first parenting (damm kids ruining a good time for my blog audience) and the second, my hubby. He was not as amused as I was and was not interested in my docudrama ( never fear, I snapped a couple thanks to the old Blackberry)

It went something like this
Hubby: outside yelling up to me 'Start the blower"
Me: turn blower on manage kids, keep baby girl from screaming turn blower off
Hubby: runs upstairs sticks flour into the duct. Back downstairs to watch for the white smoke (new pope named at my house will release name at a later date)
Hubby: back up with the garden hose disappears into the attic

I wasn't able to get a picture of the garden hose that he brought upstairs and into the attic but....he ran the hose through the duct in the attic and into the laundry room to make sure the duct was clear

At one point during the chaos, hubby, middle boy, baby girl and myself are all outside looking for a vent in the dark while oldest boy was in the potty pooping. He had no idea any of this was going on and that he was in the house alone...must have been a good book he was reading on the potty!

Done. Dryer drama over, I am a little sad. It was really funny watching my husband drag garden supplies in and out of the house...oh well, I'm sure something else will break again soon

My First Award!!

2010-02-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in the midst of a moment when I thought for sure I was going to sell my kids on Ebay I received a gift from a fellow blogger (and pretty crazy mama too) Cybil  over at A Big Pot of Crazy. So now it is my turn to pass this onto some bloggers who always make me laugh so hard I sometimes....well, if you have had more then 3 kids you know what happens sometimes when you laugh to hard

So here is the line up.....I present the Sunshine Award to the following bloggers with great thanks for making me want to drink a little less in the afternoon's

Chief  Thanks to What I Meant to Say Wednesday's I have learned I am as bitchy as I think I am

Danifred  Who I have actually known for a really long time pre hubbies and pre babies and is one cool chick!

Shell Who say's what the rest of us want to!

Rants From Mommyland  who I have just recently discovered and are so damm funny I want them to be my friends so I am bribing them with an award

Business2blogger which has given me hope that I can quit my job and live off of blogging (not really but they are really awesome over there and if you haven't joined your a loser) PS you don't have to pass the award on, I just think you guy's are awesome and wanted to tell you in a song but this was all I had

Supah  Post it Note Tuesday...really do I need to say more

Rebecca  Her twins are so cute and they live with her not me so that brings me sunshine!

Jax-isms is writing everyday for a year, this will help fill in one of her day's. Besides she is really funny and say's what's on her mind

Stepping on Cheerios  always has beautiful pictures to share

Fightingthefatty   is one one hell of a journey, we should all have the determination she does

Caramama has a really cutie little girl who is quite well, how do I say this nicely...well go have a look for yourself

and the final award goes to.....Cybil  because what goes around should come around (except that yucky thing that went around my sorority house in college)

The rules for accepting the Sunshine Award are as follows…
1. Put the logo in my post or within my blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within my post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award!

Stayed tuned, this was not my regularly scheduled broadcast for today, I have more dryer drama that involves a blower and garden hose (please do not let your children read my blog!)

Never doubt the Mama (What I meant to say...) and a give away!

2010-02-17T07:40:00.000-05:00

Background: 7:30 AM Tuesday, major chaos has broken out in Crazyville, the natives have become rowdy. The dynamic duo are running a muck, baby girl is carrying a chair around the the kitchen island singing Twinkle Twinkle and not eating her breakfast. I order the oldest to go put on his shoes and his shirt. On his way to put on his shoes, he decides to slam the bathroom door, the same door his brother's finger in in, not only does he slam the door, he pushes it to make sure it closes. Chaos ensues, 2 crying boy's 1 baby girl directing me (N crying, B crying, N crying B crying). I have no idea what a broken thumb looks like but I am pretty sure I am about to find out.

Of course my hubby has already left for work and is not answering his cell phone......

Fast forward to our doctors appointment. We end up at a satellite clinic because the main office is booked until 11AM. We get into the clinic and it smells. Smells like a bad perm smells. The front office chicks are on the phone with the fire dept. They call us back and lead up directly to the smell, put us in a room that STINKS! There was no what I meant to say here because I said it....."Really, your going to put my son in a room that is filled with the smell you are calling the fire dept about", the nurse looks at me and say's "would you like to go to another room" UH yes dumb ass (OK that I didn't say that but I meant to).

When the PA finally decides to see us and examines my son for all of 3 minutes, she informs me that it is not broken. I grumble at my son who begged me to go to the Dr because it hurt soooooo bad. She then looks at me and say's "Welcome to parenting, some day's are like that" then the devil in a lab coat looks at my son and say's "you tell mommy she should be happy we don't have to introduce her to the hand surgeon because that would be no fun for anyone"
I smile and lead my son out of that toxic pit of a clinic.

What I meant to say to that condensing bi**h was. "Screw you lady, I freaking know parenting is like that some day's but that doesn't mean I can't be annoyed at my kid for whining about his hand (that he then decides does not hurt once he sits on your magic table) and dragging me to see your useless ass at your nasty stink clinic where I had to drop $25 bucks that I was going to use to buy a new hoodie at that Gap.

AND if you have something to say to me then say it, don't speak to my child in some condensing Mary F'ing Sunshine voice to impart some pearl's of wisdom to me like I'm not in the room. I'm in the damm room woman say it to my face.

I should have sent his behind to school like I had planned and told him to call me if his hand fell off. My own fault, you should never doubt the mama.

I have my first give away! A beautiful pair of earrings made by the talented Leslie at Daydream and Mudpies you can view all of her beautiful goodies at www.daydreamsandmudpies.com

To enter and win:
1. You must be a follower so sign up with all the other crazy folks
2. Post about the giveaway on your blog or on twitter with a link back to me (shameless self promotion)
3. leave a comment on this post about the most outrageous thing your kids have done this week to make you crazy

I will pick a winner next week and post it on my blog with a link to their blog (if you are cool like that)

Good Luck!

Dryer Drama

2010-02-15T14:24:00.001-05:00

Several days have had to pass before I could post this. My husband has been pissed at me that long.

Remember last week when I told you my dryer broke. Well, that was not the whole story. It did stop working, it was spinning but not heating. I happen to mention to my mom that is was not working. Ever the solution giver (which is a whole blog in and of it's self), she tells me that it just may be full of lint and I need to clean out the vent because it can cause a fire and that I should NEVER leave the dryer running when I am not home (great like I need one more thing the remember or worry about). She has a brush she slides into her dryer that cleans out the lint. Fast forward to baby girl's nap time and me looking for something to do.

I say to myself "Self, you can probably just hook a wash rag onto a wore hanger and clean out the vent. This is a good idea, do this right now." I warp into Macgyver Mama, able to fix things around the house with a wash rag and wire hanger.

As I am sliding my contraption into the vent I say to myself 'Self, I am not sure this is such a good idea" and woosh.....hanger comes up empty, wash rag no where to be found. Damm it!

At this point I have to stop, baby girl is up from her nap and I have to go get the dynamic duo from school.

I get home (before my hubby thank G-D!) and try to fix my boo boo. I pull the dryer out, pull this big shiny silver tubing off the dryer and out of the wall. No wash rag, I try and pull the dryer apart no luck. At this point I am jammed behind the washer and dryer, baby girl is freaking out because she can't get to me and my boy's are watching some TV show and would not even notice if I was laying dead behind the dryer (until they want something).

The phone rings s**t. It's my hubby. First thing I say when I pick up the phone "OK, don;t freak out at me."
Silence.....I then launch into the story about how I was saving our family from dying in a dryer fire which I am sure was imminent because my mom said so and they happen all the time and it's why I had to try and fix it right away.....silence....

When he gets home, he has to take the whole back off the dryer, give me an education about the length of the vent and some other stuff I really did not ~~care about~~ understand, but I nodded along dutifully just hoping he could fix the damm thing because I have a ton of laundry to do.

It still does not work (insert cuss word of your choice). Sears cannot come out until Monday (today) to fix it so I am out for 4 days with no dryer.

This morning my oldest informs me he is out of underwear and is wearing his sleep boxers under his pants to school which he likes because "they don't squeeze his penis"

Mr Sears is here right now (nothing like showing up 15 minutes before your 4 hour window is up) and has just informed me it is going to cost me $185 to fix the thermostat (at least it was not my fault the dryer broke)

Guess I know what I will be doing today......

Wonder what battle awaits me tomorrow when the oldest boy is forced back into his tightest whitiest

Come Clean!! It's Sunday Confessional

2010-02-14T07:28:00.001-05:00

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My people (*) only confess once a year, my husband's people (+) confess weekly (I think they can confess whenever they want but I'm not sure) for those of you a little slow on the uptake, I am Jewish, he is Catholic.

Anyway, I agree that confession is good for the sole and maybe I should do a little more of it. So I am going to have a weekly confessional, no judgment, no advice, just a good old fashioned soul cleansing confession.

I have a cute little button for it (can't figure the damm thing out and the text is too small so feel free to help) and I don't get the whole Mr Linky thing but I add my name to one every time I see a blog with one. But if you want to confess with me please do so, just link back to me. You can take this button until I have made a new one. I will replace it when I make a better one (this whole parenting thing keeps interrupting).

Confessional:

I have gone as many as 3 day's without a shower

I am not proud of this but sometimes, it takes all I have just to get out of my warm bed to deal with my kids (at 6AM, remember they can't sleep past then), get the kids fed, dressed, myself dressed, get my kids out of the house, get to work, get home, get my kids, make dinner, clean up, finish my glass of wine (trumps all other events of the day), keep the kids from killing each other, get them into bed and keep from collapsing at 7:30 so I can pretend to have a meaningful conservation with my husband before I drop dead. So something has to give, and it's a shower. I have never been a very sweaty person and I do wear deodorant and don't get to close to any one. But it is true and I am not sure I feel as bad about it as I should.

Your turn, confess your sin for the week

Friday Night Leftovers

2010-02-12T07:57:00.000-05:00

I am playing along with my dear friend Danifred

So here they are my random thoughts for the week for some reason I am having a flash forward of my future day's as a crazy rambling woman at St. E's).

I am not sure why Man Vs Food is not HUGE! He eats crazy food all the time, men, typical

I understand why some animals eat their young. Not that I would eat any of my children but I can sympathize with these poor mama's just trying to survive. The consistent "I'm hungry" "He's pulling my tail" "She stole the last bug" " I hate this cave" is enough to make any creature snap

I continue to have a love hate relationship with Weight Watchers.

I think I have eaten too much birthday cake this week (see above)

My oldest came out of the bathroom and handed me a copy of Parents magazine and said "Look mom this say's how to stop biting, tantrums and whining, maybe you should read it to help you with N and baby girl" Great, even my kids see I have not control.

I am really proud of my friend E who will run her first 5k with me tomorrow. 2 months ago she was sure she could never even run a block. I think people who do things they never thought they could are cool like that

I think I may have a crush on the super bad guy on Hero's

My husband is reading my blog on a regular basis which is good because he loves what I write and is a super cool supportive guy but I am not sure I like the fact that he now has access to my bag of mommy tricks that I share with you, double edge sword. Because your reading this A man, I am declaring this neutral territory, you can't use anything I say here against me in our daily struggle for survival with the kids, you can't call me out on my love for making dinner so I am alone or my desire to fold laundry for quiet. Got it! Thanks I love you and do think it's cool you take the time to read what I write.xoxo

I hope everyone has a really great weekend. I am going to have my first giveaway starting next week but you can't enter if you are not registered as a follower so stop being a stalker, come out of the shadows and log in as a follower. I know a lot of you slip over from Facebook (I can see you on my little feedjit) ;-)

Put you gotta pay to play (well not really but you do have to be listed as a follower) If you are not sure how to do that, click on the side bar that say's "don't be a stalker" and you will be able to log in as a follower.

I'll give you a hint, it's jewelry!!

8:11AM

2010-02-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Hubby,

By 8:11 this morning, the dog puked on the carpet, the dryer broke, my crows feet magically changed to crow's giant foot prints, baby girl tore her closet apart, my Roomba (love you) sucked up Lego's, I only had 1 cup of coffee because you finished the creamer and baby girl pooped just as I was putting her in the car seat to take the boy's to the bus which arrives at 8:15.

I quit, I may report for duty tomorrow but today I am going back to bed, watching a lot of daytime TV and ordering lots of take out.

xoxo, your wife

What I meant to say.....

2010-02-10T13:20:00.002-05:00

Let me start off by saying this was not the post I have in the que for today but I just had an experience in my daughter's music class that I have to get off my chest so I figured what better way to tell a mama what I think of her then What I meant to say Wednesday hosted by Chief .

My daughter is almost 2 and for those of you with a child 2 or older, you know that it is really not a child but a bull in a china shop with a mind of it's own on some kind of super sippy cup kool aid crack.

My darling girl happens to be in a music class with a bunch of first time mommies and their babies (9 mos and under), a situation I am correcting next week.

Well Ms Thing is running around checkin out her fineness in the mirrors, yelling 'no' at me and anyone else who looks are her.

The mommy sitting next to me with her 6 month old lump of non moving baby looks at me and say's "Well, she's strong willed isn't she"
I just looked at her and smiled. What I meant to say was.........

Back off first timer. Have a couple more and then talk to me about parenting, better yet wait until your little pumpkin turns 2. You wait and see how many hoops you are willing to jump through to try and make her sit in a music class (really who sits in music any way).

Chick's like you are why I hate to take these classes anyway, I only care about how she behaves because I don't want to have to deal with you judgy bi**hes looking at me like I can't control my kid.

So best of luck to you lady! Hope your kid doesn't end up on Teen Mom

But I didn't say it, I smiled and continued to secretly hope baby girl accidentally smacked her in the head with some of the egg shakers she was throwing.

Post It Note Tuesday ( I am so psyched to get to play along!!!)

2010-02-09T14:33:00.000-05:00

I love to read Things I can't say and think Shell is funny as crap (can I say that). Anyway, she play's along in Post it Note Tuesdays with Supahmommy another funny chick who makes me laugh out loud.

So being the follower I am, I have decided to play along!

Thanks Supahmommy and Shell! This was fun.

I know why I am going crazy

2010-02-08T20:39:00.001-05:00

Driving my children home from school should not make me reconsider my sanity but today it did.

The following conservation is a true story the names have not been changed because everyone should be as scarred as I am from the incident.

I am on the phone with a friend trying to finalize some details for a function we are putting together. I hear screaming in the car (I ignore it usually because I am immune to it) followed by the words pee and now. I pull into the nearest parking lot (love boy’s, my daughter will have to lean to squat outside), still on the phone; I open the van doors and send them out. I look up and see them starting to pee on a wet paint sign and the electrical unit that was just painted (leave it to my kids). I yell, “not there, over here by the car I don’t need the whole street to see your butts.”

Mind you I am still on the phone (thank goodness the mom on the other line has 3 boy’s). I look over to make sure they are OK and then have to scream out the window “stop crossing pee”. Only a mom of more then 1 boy can appreciate this statement.

This experience got me thinking of the things I have said as a mother that I never thought I would say. Here is a sampling of a few:

Stop touching your brother with your penis

Stop making butt prints on the shower, window, snow, (it goes on and on)

No you cannot pee together

Get off your brother’s neck (back, head, foot, leg, hand) he is not a toy (rocket, dinosaur, car, dude from Star Wars or Indiana Jones)

Do not hit your sister in the head with a ball (again)

No you can’t bump butts in the bathtub (shower or when getting your PJ’s on)

Stop calling your sister like she’s the dog

Get your hands out of your pants

Don’t touch your penis at the table

If you want to touch it go to your room and wash your hands when you’re done

Can you find your sister please?

Call the dog and make him clean up the cheerios (grilled cheese, noodles, cookies well you get the point)

Put it away, nobody wants to look at it

Shut the door, nobody wants to watch you poop

Did you wipe

Did you wash your hands (with soap)

Don't stick the spoon handle in the dog's behind again! (true story ask my husband he was there)

What have you said to your kids that has made you scratch your head and think “did I really just have to say that?”

Letters from Crazyville (a mom on the edge): I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

2010-02-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

Letters from Crazyville (a mom on the edge): I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

2010-02-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

My usual setting of serenity became a house if horrors for me this week. In between a morning play date and a noon Dr appt, on a horribly rainy day, I drag my darling daughter into D/D for lunch. After picking up our $6 a pound fruit, I venture over to get her 2 slices of cheese. The cost for these 2 slices $4! I asked the women if that was correct, She then explained to me that was the cost of a grilled cheese sandwich. Well then, make me a sandwich. Off we go with our $10 kids meal to wait in line and wait and wait. Meanwhile, my precious daughter squirms out of my arms for a little walk (run) away from me. Before I can even step out of line no less then 3 people make a comment about my wandering menace to society. I run after her and snatch her up. The lady at the cheese counter say's "she's a quick one". The woman who was behind me in line who is now in front of me because I stepped out speaks the kiss of death "well, you have your hands full". I am sure my head spun and I flashed red. I looked at her and said with as much sickly sweetness as I could muster, "You've just forgotten what's it's like to have a toddler". I then promptly announced to myself (the store) "people are so quick to judge mom's and slow to help them". I think my cashier almost passed out and was for sure looking for a panic button.

To top off my delightful experience, I could find no place to sit people were holding tables waiting for their other childless friends to show up and eat a quiet lunch as I drag my screaming, hungry, tired toddler through the store looking for a place to feed her. We finally settle at a bar stool and high table where I am confronted by a barista who rolls her eye's at me when I ask her to bring me a glass of water (which I am unable to get myself because I could not find a chair to sit at that my child can't fall out of)

So I don't hate everyone in D/D just all the judgy people who don't have kids or have forgotten (blocked out) how difficult it is some day's to have a squirmy, tired and hungry toddler and turn their nose up at mama just trying to survive.

The Land of NeverandAlways

2010-02-04T15:47:00.002-05:00

Dear Children (here in referred to as royal subjects),

I am renaming our kingdom, Here on out we will refer to it as the Land of NeverandAlways. Henceforth ruled by Queen B (do I really need to explain).

Daily at our house I never and or always do something to torture you poor delightful subjects. Some recent examples that you have brought to my attention:

You never let me/us go first, do that, play with this, eat cake for dinner, try and break up all the ice in the baby pool out back when it's 45 degrees outside or make a yuck bucket in the backyard that is filled with sidewalk chalk, dirt, water, leaves, bugs, plastic toys and dog poop (true story, I am a real bummer of a mom)

You always let him/her go first, pick dinner, take out the recycling (their odd little ducks), get in the car first, sit there, do this, do that.

How come I always have to get dressed, eat breakfast, put away my laundry, put my shoes away, go to school, brush my teeth, was my hair, pee poop and wipe my own butt (really this is a true fight in my house but that is another blog).

Blank never has to get dressed, put away their shoes, eat veggies, drink milk, clean their room, set the table, take out the trash or do any of the million things you ALWAYS make me do.

I am so glad that you are embracing the ideals and of NeverandAlways and hope that you will continue to bring examples to my attention (because I love to hear what you have to say).

Your loyal and loving Queen B

Speaking in Tongues

2010-02-01T17:19:00.001-05:00

Dear Son's

I do not understand the language you are speaking and frankly, it is annoying. Mainly because you expect me to understand and are peeved when I don't. When you tell me Pikachu is stronger then Zigzazoon or Torterra (what the hell are you talking about). All I can figure is this is pretty serious business because the choice of Pokeman card has reduced N to tears on several occasions when a trade has gone down (really it looks like a drug deal gone south some day's). I don't know (or care for that matter) which Bakagun beat who or how this ball battles for that matter. I don't know which Star Wars character is winning whatever game you are playing on whichever mind numbing electrical device your eyes are super glued to. I have no idea about Princess Peach, Bowser, Mario, or the red butts they get when you fight them. I don't know what you mean when you yell "pop me" or "jump on my head".

This is all foreign to me. I do however find it very amusing to listen to the 2 of you try and sound like you are 16 when you speak to each other with the "DUDE!" this, "Wasss UPPP" that, and the latest "Oh No You DI-INT". "Oh that is so stupid", "What the" and of course your subtle slip in of "I know the (F, S, A) word but I am not going to say it".

The never ending ways that you are able to twist bodily functions, fluids and parts into new words is fascinating. I have learned a whole new vocabulary and list of put downs including "wiener bone" and "butt nuts" your current name of choice for each other (really there is no love like brother love).

But I nod my head and pretend to understand (care). Because I know the importance of these issues to you, I have taken the liberty of (semi) educating myself. I can only hope you take your studies to become a Dentist and Plastic Surgery as seriously because I am going to need work done some day and you 2 owe me (big time).

I love you (butt nuts)

The Cold Hard Truth

2010-01-31T11:57:00.000-05:00

OK my blog for today is Vegas, what I say here stays here because if the truth gets out I am in big trouble and will have to come live with you (and I'm a really bad house guest)

I think my husband knows all of these things but is too smart of a man to call me out on any of it

Confession Time

I love to do/ fold the laundry because I can hide in my room, watch Oprah and be alone

I dread bath time, it is a mess and I can't get it over soon enough

I "have" to sweep and mop every night because I would rather be knee deep in mop water, finish my wine and listen to the news then wrangle 3 over tired kids into their pj's

"I will do the dinner dishes" (see above)

When my husband is taking one child someplace I try and get another child to want and go too.

When my husband is going to run an errand I try and get my boy's to go with him

I like to make dinner. It gives me 30 or more minutes of semi-peace to listen to NPR and my husband has to be lego master doll dresser for awhile

I "have" to go potty upstairs (it's quiet there)

I "need" to run to Target now, I am out of (fill in the blank) and then find therapy in the aisle's while I have a Starbucks (on a side note, I am seriously in love with the genius who came up with Starbucks in Target now if only they had babysitting and dry cleaning)

I will go get the mail, again a few minutes alone

Sometimes I drive around the block for an extra 5 minutes before I walk into Crazyville

I let my kids watch TV just so they will be quiet, stop fighting, nagging, whining or bugging each other (or me)

I really don't care if their clothes match, as long as they get themselves dressed and I don't have to hear about it

I like to vacuum, it drowns the noise out

I hate mommy/child classes and playgroups, I am not good at small talk, I don't like to sing, act like a kangaroo and jump in the ball pit (which totally gross me out but that is a different post).

I lie and say that Happy Meal's are missing toy's (among the other lie's I tell my kids for survival)

I give M gum or lollipop's in the car just so she will stop yelling ( I am aware of the monster I am creating, I'll deal with it later)

I put my kids to bed some nights without brushing their teeth (M most nights)

I have given my boy's mint gum at the bus stop because I forgot to brush their teeth

I sometimes have to totally checkout otherwise I may make an early entrance into the loony bin.

Red Flags

2010-01-24T21:20:00.005-05:00

To my darling oldest,

Being the oldest child come's with certain responsibilities. Therefore, when I am in the kitchen, I should not hear the following conservation take place between you and your brother: "OK N get on your knees and tuck your head under so I don't hurt it. OK, now hold still, I am going to stand on your back"
Please know my son that someday he may be bigger then you and, well, payback honey payback is all I can say.
xoxo Mommy

I have noticed there have been a series of Red Flags in my daily life. A few weeks ago, I hear the above conversation between my sons. I am listening, I hear "tuck your head under" (Red Flag 1), "hold still" (Red Flag 2), "OK I am going to stand on your back now" (RED FLAG!!) I yell into the other room "What are you doing to your brother?!?" The mater of fact (with a hint of duh mom) answer "using him for a blast pad" well of course, silly me what else would you use your 4 year old brother for.

I am not sure where boy's seem to learn these things, I have my suspects though:

I should insert a photo of their father here also, he is the one who introduced the kids to this cast of ill behaved cartoon characters but for the sake of my marriage, I will keep his identity hidden (see first blog "Man is he going to be pissed)

So I will resort to blaming my children's behavior on Disney and Boomerang.

Here is a list of the Red Flags that I have encountered this week:

Wet spot on bathroom floor near potty, is it water or pee (when I see the spray on the side of the potty I have my answer)

Where is your sister? I don't know? (never a good sign to lose track of your 2 year old)

MOMMY!!! (nothing good ever follows)

My tummy hurts (need I say more)

Mommy the dog (enter one of the 100 nasty things our dog does daily that I then have to clean up)

CRASH!

My 6 year old's new vocabulary words (which I am sure will win me an award with the PTA) including Friggin (when corrected on the inappropriateness of this word say's "can I just say The F word", Wuzz Upppp, No you didn't, OOOO my nuts and the ever charming "butt nut".

Honey, I may have a meeting this afternoon (Red Flag for, my children will all lose their minds at 5:00)

Who left the baby gate open??

and perhaps (or not) the most disturbing Red Flag of the week, when we sit down to dinner tonight, my darling almost 2 year old daughter points to my glass and say's "Mommy's wine"

so after a week filled with Red Flags there is only one thing for me to do, raise my own flag

.

Any Red Flags at your place this week??

Naked

2010-01-17T15:26:00.002-05:00

Really, I can think of no better title because there is so much naked at my house these days. Leaving the house last week, I have all 3 kids in the car, hats, coats, dressed....or so I thought. As I climb into the car, I see N has on no socks, it is 30 degrees out, we are running late, natural consequences, your feet will be cold, then he sheepishly say's "I don't have underwear on either". Please know that for a split second the words tough shit dangled so deliciously on my lips. But for fear of DSS, back into the house we go for underwear and socks.

This seems to be an ongoing theme with this child, he is adverse to underwear. He will put them on only if reminded, as if I have the mental capacity at this stage to remember one more thing. I shudder to think how many day's I have sent him to school without underwear on.

The naked theme takes a turn for the worse at bath time when I have 3 children running around the house naked and my blessed youngest can't help but grab at her brothers well, you know, like it is a toy, if you stay naked to long and M sees you, be sure you are in for a yank or a grab. She however finds great delight in chasing down her brothers and making them scream. Guess this is the beginning of the payback that will shuffle back and forth between them for many delightful years to come.

M herself has learned to strip down in a matter of seconds, no clothing can stand in her way. She has a fine future ahead or her for sure. She has decided that she would like to sit on the potty after she has stripped down and has realized that it is a good ploy to stay naked longer. "M come put your diaper on" M responds "No potty" runs back to the potty sits and shoves her hand into the potty, "M get your hand out of there" "NO POTTY" this goes on and on because I am tired, I am sure I make 90% of my parenting mistakes just because I am tired, they (she) have worn me out.

When I came into my bathroom the other day I was confronted by the following sight

I found this image to sum up my life and house in so many different ways.
Really, what say's "I love you Mom" more than a naked headless doll waving to you on the potty.

The true joy never ends in my home (someone make it stop please)

I have entered a new demographic

2010-01-08T15:16:00.000-05:00

Reading my magazines, in the quite of my room as I watch some wonderful docudrama like Teen Mom or Toddler's and Tiara's, I have come to the shocking realazation that the magazine's I read are no longer about 25 way's to meet a man, hot horoscopes, sextini's or this season's micro bikini. They are filled with way's to flatten my belly, make dinner in one pot in under 10 minutes, how to make my hair look fuller, my lips fuller and my hips and butt less full. I now read about 50 medical tests I need before I turn 40 (yikes soon).

As I go through the day I notice all of my products from my moisturizer to my body wash include some promise of the following, age defying, age reversal, age diminishing, wrinkle control, maximum, minimize, soften, silken.

Sigh, I have entered a new demographic, I am no longer the Cosmo girl, I am the Cosmo girl's older, mature sister. The one telling her "you will never meet a man to marry if you don't stop sleeping with every guy you meet at the bar". "Are you sure he has a job". The one looking on with some envy, "you slept till noon, had brunch, sex and went back to sleep"

I am now the demographic that get's exicited about the Shark Steam Mop that is a gift when you purchase their new never lose suction vacume (which I am DYING to buy, I watch the informerical with all the revel that I used to watch Real World) and then fall over Batman, Superman and 3 baby dolls trying to get to the phone when they knock off one more payment!

The thrill of this steam mop and vacuum is something that should embarrass me, but it doesn't. It doesn't because the minute I mention this mop to any of my friends, they get the same glow on their face and the excitement builds in their voices too. The discussion over this mop rivals a Sunday morning bloody mary while rehashing last night's walk of shame.

While we are on the topic of suction, I am also in demographic that want's suction but only if it involves suctioning fat from a part of our body. We are all looking to lift, reduce, smooth and just make it go away.

Jealous of the younger set, you may think so but I am not. Here is why, I no longer have to wear matching bra's and panties if I don't want to, I can sleep in an old t-shirt, not shave my legs every day (or even shower).
I don't have to wonder if he will call, if he likes me, if he is thinking of me, if he is going to ask me out or dump me. I can go to bed at 8:30 on a Friday and not be a loser or lame.

I have the confidence that I wish I had had when I was 20, 25 and yes even 30. I don't have to worry about speaking my mind and being concerned what someone will think say or care. I have entered the demographic of peace, of self confidence. The demographic of being grateful for the wonderful man I have married, the beautiful (plotting) children I have and the generous, kind fabulous women who allow me to call them my friends.

So if this is what 40 is going to bring, I say bring it on! I will slap on the cream, do the sit ups, make 10 minute meals in one pot and love every minute of it (now I may be singing another tune next year when I am really facing 40, from almost 39, it doesn't look to bad).

And if anyone is looking for a really great birthday present for me. I have posted a picture of "my lover" (as Carrie Bradshaw would say) below. I dare you to not get excited about it!

The object of my affection

Mommy Olympics

2009-12-30T13:30:00.057-05:00

Today I am departing from my usual child whinefest to write an open letter to mommy's everywhere about a subject we are all aware of but refuse to talk about. I call them the Mommy Olympics.

The Mommy Olympics is a series of races we began to compete in once we even thought about having children. The first competition, who would get the first dose of baby dust, who would be the first to get the stick to turn blue, make 2 lines, beep, scream whatever your stick (or sticks) did to alert you that you have won your first medal in the Mommy Olympics. Once you mastered this first feat, you were able to move into the Olympic village of Mommyhood. From our warm cozy village, we watched as some of our friends, no matter how hard they trained could not grasp the gold medal of pregnancy. We felt sad for them, we worried about our medal's shine and how that shine felt each time they saw us each time we grew into a new uniform. Some of our friends finally grabbed the gold and moved into the village with us. As the village grew we began to see that the competition was stiff and the decisions to be made could have lasting impact on our pursuit of medal status. The questions and silence our answers sometimes brought ( It's OK to have the tuna right?) made us question our athletic ability (we are all in this together right??) The questions and doubts begin to pile up, small glass of wine? Drugs or no drugs? Birth in the hospital, birthing center, home, bathtub, woods, jungle, at sunrise at sunset. The choices were dizzying, if I make the wrong move will I lose?

But we have our fellow mommy's right? We are all in this together, we are all on the same team. Well, maybe not, it seems like we should be but suddenly you see camps forming within our Olympic village. Now we are like distant countries, huddled together to try and beat the other side to the gold. Perhaps the stress of 9 months of vomiting, stretching, not sleeping and 1 too many bowls of Apple Jacks has taken it's toll. Once we finish this next marathon we will be able to regroup and our team will heal.

So after many month's we move out of the village one by one as our next medal makes it's arrival, screaming all the way home.

Now that we are though the hard part, these Olympics must be over, we will all go back to the team we were.

Unless you, go back to work or stay home or breastfeed or bottle feed or breast and bottle feed, if you use a pacifier, if you don't, if you let them cry it out, if you rock your medal to sleep or GASP if sleep with your medal. The judges table never seems to be satisfied no matter how hard you try.

These mini competitions never seem to end, the stakes keep rising and the medals become even more difficult to attain. Eating, crawling, sitting up, walking talking singing, dancing, jumping running, whatever skill it is there is a who did it first, Pre-School, when did YOU start? "Ohhh she's not potty trained yet hmm, well she won't go to kindergarten in a diaper will she." Activities, "well, I had Muffy in dance, music, violin, and drivers education at 18 months, you can never start to early when Harvard is a stake." School, public, private, hold them back a year, start on time, it never seems to end. Conventional, Organic, local, homemade and that is just for baby food.

What is my point to all this bitching and moaning? It is really not a point, it is a question. Why?

It seems like the group of people who should be the most supportive of mother's is the least. The Mommy Olympics has changed the sisterhood of women we were. We secretly judge each move another mom makes. Are we really that insecure in our abilities as mom's that we have to rat our other athletes out for steroid (or McDonald's for dinner) to the judges?

Does it really matter if we work, stay at home, home school, private school, make our baby food or hand loom with Organic cotton each frock our darlings ever put on their precocious bodies? Or does it matter that we can make decisions that work for us, work for our families and our children and know without judgment we have a squad of Olympic caliber athletes standing behind us to cheer us on and help us to reach the most desired medal of all, happy, healthy well adjusted children (that grow up and move away so we can have lunches that once again involve wine).

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are mom's who are the best support another mom could want. I have some of the best mom's I know as my friends and could not do my job without them but we are in the same Olympic village, we pretty much have the same viewpoints. I am talking about mommyhood as a whole. I am guilty of judging other mom's ( I have become much less judgy after my 3rd child who has totally pushed me over the edge of sanity) I am talking about the mom you see at Starbucks with 1 child and a nanny in tow, the mom who drops her kids off at daycare in the morning and picks them up at dinner, the mom who has a medical degree but gave it all up to stay home and run carpool, the business woman who now runs book fair like it's a Fortune 500 company. The mom's who don't do things the way we do, or the way we think they should.

You may not agree with me and you may live in Mommyutopia but there must be something to it. There have been several excellent books written on the subject.

Maybe check one out:

The Mommy Myth

http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Myth-Idealization-Motherhood-Undermined/dp/0743260465/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262219907&sr=8-1

Mommy Wars
http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Wars-Stay-at-Home-Choices-Families/dp/0812974484/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262219968&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Behind-Mommy-Wars-Decides/dp/1580051294/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262219968&sr=8-2

The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars

I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Really-Good-Before-Kids/dp/081185650X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262210139&sr=1-1

The next time you look down at your nose at that mom in Target with 3 kids all in their pajamas eating lollipops and slushes at 10 AM, don't judge, her, she is in this with you and would really appreciate a supportive smile, you know, I have been there before

Oh how has this happened to me

2009-12-29T13:31:00.000-05:00

As my friends on Facebook know, I have a huge problem with my middle one. He is well, how do I put this, a bit of a ummmm class Casanova.

At the tender age of 4, my darling son has 2 girls who take turns rubbing his back during nap, 1 girl who carries his backpack as consolation for his refusal to hold her hand and has informed me recently that he needs to keep mint gum with him so he "has minty breath when he kisses the girls"

I have investigated this troubling situation with his teachers. First of all there is no kissing going on and now that she knows, they are on the look out (sorry N, if you were older I would not have blocked you)

There are girls rubbing his back, there is no stopping this. The backpack carrier wants to be able to hold onto the back strap of his backpack on the way to the bus (we are starting carpool next week!) I at this point will issue my blanket apology to mother's, father's and their daughters:

Dear (fill in your daughter's name)

I am so sorry that N (dumped you, did not ask you to prom, did not call the next day, asked your sister out or any other wrong he has done). His father and I have tried to teach him to be a sweet boy who is kind to everyone. This has apparently backfired as he seems to have taken it to an extreme with young ladies. I know he means well, there is just not enough of him to go around (his words, not mine). Please do not hold this against us. I know someday you will meet a wonderful boy that will take good care of you. Before you ask, yes, I do have another son and no you can't go out with him.

Best of Luck!
N's mom

Nobody puts baby in a corner

2009-11-17T15:14:00.002-05:00

My sweet darling girl,

I am so glad that you have found yourself, your self esteem and your never ending need to "me do it". I must say, I am proud of all your bossy, self-assured sassiness. I am happy to have a little girl who will not take no for an answer,is willing to take what she wants in life (and in Mommy and Me). I think we are so worried about our girls being "nice" that we squash the innate sense of power and drive to succeed that is natural in toddlers. I will not raise a daughter that apologizes for natural brassiness, her desire to be on top and do things her way. I think it will serve you well in life. It is expected that your brothers behave that way, why not you? I hope you always retain your strong sense of self determination and independence.

Now if you could just plan to tone it down from the ages of 2-18 I would appreciate it. Be as sassy, self determined and head strong as you want to be (in College).

I love you
Mommy

A little view of our crazy life

2009-11-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

A gift

2009-11-11T13:08:00.001-05:00

Dear Children,

I have given you the greatest gift a mother can give. A father. Yes, and you really got a good deal with this one. You will not believe the things he can do. Here are some examples. He can, get up with you, wipe butts, change diapers, clean your room, pour drinks, get snacks and tie shoes. Now I know this may come as a shock to you because you ask me to do all of these things for you and more. But give him a try, he is really very handy and would love to show you some of his tricks. So next time you wake up at 2 AM because you have to pee, wake him, ask him to help you or tuck you back in. You may be surprised at how much you will like it!

Love Mommy

Fear of the number 7

2009-10-25T15:29:00.000-04:00

My darling children ,

Why are you so afraid of the number 7. It is the only reason your exhausted father and I can come up with. None of you seem to be able to sleep until seven. Do you think you will miss something if you sleep past 7? I assure you, there is NOTHING going on that you are missing. Scooby Doo does not come on, there is still Classical Stretch on PBS. There is no one outside to play with (they are all still sleeping) Don't fear 7, it is a beautiful number. There are many wonderful things in seven's: Seven Brides for Seven Brother's, 7 day's in a week, 7 wonders of the world, 7 day's of Passover, OK that may be a little much but you get my point.

So sleep, sleep till 7 just once, don't worry, I have slept past 7 many many times before you were born and nothing happened but sweet blissful rest. The best part of sleeping until 7, it may hold the men in the white coats off from taking me away for just a little longer. If you all sleep until 7 on the same day, it just may bring about world peace. You never know!!

Love Mommy

A list of reminders

2009-10-07T14:17:00.002-04:00

Darling Children,

A few reminders:

1. Please lift BOTH seats when you need to pee (boy's only)

2. Please face forward the ENTIRE time you pee including the shakedown (again boy's)

3. The lid does not have to be slammed in order for it to close

4. I am not a waitress, maid, short order cook or royal butt wiper

5. I am not a tree for climbing (girl)

6. I am not your main mode of transportation around your kingdom (Princess Carrymealot)

7. Yes, I am 38 and yes I can read and yes if you speak to me like that again 7 is a far off dream for you

8. Go ask your Father

9. Whining will get you nothing but a swift kick in the butt and a one way ticket to your room

10. Yes that's what's for dinner and no, I don't care if you starve, hate it or will throw up if you eat it

and the most important reminder of all, someday when you are grown and I am living someplace warm, drinking cocktails and you call me because your child, pee's on the floor, won't eat dinner, wants to be carried all the time or won't let you pee with the door shut, I will say "yes dear, I have Mahjong with the ladies call you later"

I love you,
Mommy

If you give a mom a vacation

2009-08-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

An homage to our favorite series If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

If you give a mom a vacation she may pack a bag (quickly). When she packs her bag she may see worried looks on the faces of her children (how will we eat, will we have clean clothes). When she sees worried looks she may pack faster and assure them their father will take good care if them.

When mom arrives at her destination (some place warm with adult drinks and no kids) she may receive a text from her husband. If she receives a text she may have visions. If she has visions they may include dishes piled up, laundry falling out of the laundry room, children in the same pajama's she left them in.

Then she will begin to pack to go home. If she packs to go home, the stress level may begin to rise. If the stress begins to rise, mom may become cranky (again). If mom becomes cranky (again), dad may suggest a few day's away by herself to recoup. If she takes a few day's away to recoup....well you know what will happen.

Really Will I Ever Learn?????

2009-08-13T21:27:00.005-04:00

After 3 children you would think I would learn. But no, today I hear my sweet baby M wake up from her nap. Playing, singing and hanging out in her bed. Then I hear the cry, the loud cry. I go into her room and there is baby M pointing at her hand. pooh, pooh, pooh. It is covered in poop. Yes, I put a child down for a nap in a diaper, just a diaper. It was not just her hand, her legs, the crib, 2 big lumps of poop and the crib covered in poop. Her sheet is soaking wet.

Leading me to wonder how long she has been like this. So 30 minutes before I have to pick my oldest up from camp, I now have to wipe up the baby (no time for a bath) clean up the poop, start laundry, get #2 up from his nap, pack a snack (for the love of ___ if I picked up from camp without a snack) and get to pickup.

I know better, this happened with another one of my children. I am suffering from mommy amnesia. I think we all have it. There are actually studies that show the brain cells lost during pregnancy are never recovered. That is really the main reason we are not having anymore kids. My husband is worried he will be married to a vegetable if we do. Then what would happen? Who would do the laundry, make all the appointments, clean, cook, shop, wipe boo boo's, take out the trash, make beds.....hmmm wait a minute, another baby is not such a bad idea.

No, this is not a Democracy

2009-08-13T20:20:00.007-04:00

Dear B,

I am so glad that you have finally lost a tooth. I am not sure how many more weeks I could take of the wiggling, screaming when I touched it and negotiation talks between you and the tooth fairy. I think you will make a fine lawyer or UN Ambassador one day. Your powers of negotiation and persuasion are fierce to say the least. But now I know where my mistake was, I told you so. Now I have sentenced myself to a life of closing arguments, labor talks and high stakes negotiations for every event in our daily lives. For example, when I told you it was time for bed, your rebuttal (there is always a rebuttal) consisted of "why don't you have to go to bed", "why do you get to make the rules", "why don't I get to be in charge of my life". While these are all valid concerns and questions, there is really only one good response to this. BECAUSE! Because I am the mom, because I said so and because this is not a democracy. So just do what I said.

Love Mommy

I promise it won't fall off

2009-07-15T08:01:00.003-04:00

Dear Sons,

I want to make a promise to you, it will not fall off. You do not need to hold it the whole time you watch TV, nobody is going to come out of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and take it away. You don't need to keep a firm grip on it while we walk through Target, it will stay put. Find something else to do in the car, read, color something, anything but please leave it alone.

While we are on the subject, a few reminders. It is not a sword, you do not use it to sword fight your brother before bath time. It is not a train, you do not need to run around screaming choo choo every time you get naked.

When you are in your rooms at night feel free to check on it's' well being at any point. But not at the dinner table, while you are playing baseball or at the pool.

I understand from your father that this is standard behavior with boys and something I will have to deal with throughout your tenure in our home.

But please, for the sake of your mommy's sanity, please, please, please, don't do it in front of me.

With love,
Mommy